Dear Brooke,

Thanks,
Guilty Jew

Dear you gorgeous guilty love,

I’m just gonna jump right in…My first question is: What does it mean to raise your kids Jewish? What does it mean to you? I hear phrases like this all the time… “I want to raise my kids Jewish” or “My family wants us to raise our kids Jewish” So many people throw around words like this and decide things like how to raise their kids without really thinking about what it actually means. No wonder things can get so confusing…

The thing about labels is that they mean different things to different people. In order to responsibly use a label, we need to know what it means in our own hearts. Raising my kids “successful” for example, is going to mean something different to me as to you. Success is subjective, and so is Religion. Saying you want to raise your kids “Jewish” is more ambiguous than you know… In todays modern-beautiful-diverse-spiritually-curious society religion has almost more definitions than love.

When you promise to raise your kids with a label that you yourself haven’t even defined yet as a family, as a couple, what does that promise really mean? So, I’m going to ask you to define it…for you.

Sit down with your sweet hubby and each have a piece of paper. On the top of yours, write: “Raising my kids Jewish means…” the paper will have a list that includes or doesn’t include things like, having a bar/bat mitzvah, having a briss, lighting candles on Friday night and having dinner as a family, going to Hebrew school, celebrating high holidays, referring to complaining as “kvetching” and heavy sweating as “schvitzing”… are you thinking orthodox, conservative, reform, kabbalistic/mystical, or Secular Yiddish word using Jew? Ahh, the possibilities. On the top of his write “Raising my kids Catholic means” and have him do the same exercise.

Then, sit down as a family. You and him…and talk about it. Why is that particular tradition or ceremony important to you? Is it to satisfy your grandfather and the ambiguous promise you made to your other relatives…or is it because it makes you cry with joy even thinking about including it in your life? What compromises are each of you willing to make? How can you hold and respect one another’s history…and how can you instill that respect into your children?

Share with your partner, and hear from him. Talk, discuss, and deliberately and responsibly build your foundation as Mr. and Mrs. Not-so-guilty-anymore Jew. If you are the artsy creative type, you can even make a final draft of the family traditions that you want to start with and post it in your home to remind both of you of this conversation and experience, and to have accountability within your partnership.

Just a little PS. If you have something like “go to services every Friday night”… don’t wait until your kids arrive. If it’s that important to you, start now (or continue), with your family of 2.

You can also do this exercise, and I recommend it, with non-religious traditions. This will give you and your man a great opportunity to build an even stronger foundation and family.

No matter how many promises you made to whoever you made them to…when it comes down to it, your kids are going to be a little bit of you, a little bit of the Mr. and a lot a bit of themselves. You can’t pretend that your Catholic husband, who you love through and through, and his family traditions just simply don’t exist-and you know that. You can inspire your kids and give them a foundation but eventually they are going to take the path that feels right in their own hearts.

Your struggle is so beautiful… it shows how much you love and respect your husband as well as yourself. Seeing that will be more valuable to your children than anything else…I promise.

Love,

Dear Brooke,

Sincerely
confused & feeling secretive

Dear Confused and Feeling Secretive,

So I wish I could know who that ring did or did not belong to or it may or may not be gifted to. But, you and I both know that I’m wishing into the wind. You said “I have a very strong feeling that the ring is not intended for me” so I’m going to respond based on your gut feeling. Let this be a first Soapbox Therapy lesson of many to come that our gut is more often that not, worth listening to…

First of all my love, know that feeling totally out of sorts is so perfect. If you were feeling “neutral” then I really would be worried about you. So, embrace that crazy feeling in your stomach and let’s talk… No matter how you found the ring, or if you were looking for it or not, what you are really asking me is… does he love me or her? Am I the one or is his past winning out? Right?

So there are so many possible reasons your boyfriend’s past relationship ended, right? No matter what the reason is, my suspicion is that regardless of the fact that he is totally in love with you, he is still holding on to the hurt and has not fully moved on from that difficult situation in his life. I mean, lets break it down… he was manipulated into a proposal that he didn’t necessarily want by an ultimatum, and then he got burned and dumped. Um, hello! He probably felt lower and angrier than ever after that experience. Can we say trust issues? It’s so noble that you stuck with him and let him take the time he needed to feel safe in a new relationship. You are a gem.

The thing about pasts is that everyone has one. Everyone. And no matter how hard we wish… they don’t suddenly vanish once we come along and sweep our partners off their feet. As much as we want to deny that our partners might still be affected by their past once they fall madly and deeply in love with us… it’s just not the case. Our past is always present…

Now that we have established that we are listening to your gut and your boyfriend has a past…let’s talk about communication. The communication in your relationship around the subject of “the past” I suspect so far has been on his terms. Meaning he is pretty touchy about what went on and you’ve been the loving patient girlfriend and haven’t probed where you may not be welcomed with open arms. You’ve been kind and sweet, waiting for him to be ready to share himself. The issue is, when we don’t talk about things, it usually means we are still holding on.

I’m not saying that everyone needs to share everything about their past with their partner…I believe we all have the right to our own stories… but in this case I think it’s time to communicate and ask some questions.

Thank goodness all of that crap happened in his life because now you get him, it’s perfect! But you, you patient sweet loving woman, don’t deserve for all his past stuff to find itself a nice little suppressed home in your relationship… Begin to talk to your partner. Don’t blame, don’t point fingers… just ask. Ask about his past. Tell him you are ready to know. Ask things like, “How did you feel when” and “How was that for you?” Tackle the underlying issues which are commitment, fear, untold stories, and communication in general. Make sure those issues are on the forefront of the conversation. It’s not the actual ring you want to talk about, but what it represents.

If it is a ring from his past the reason to keep it is because, to get rid of it officially means that the hurt is real, that it actually happened- that messed up horrible unfair situation actually happened. No more denial, no more suppressing the feelings. I would be utterly shocked if he sits there and gazes longingly at the ring everyday…. he doesn’t love that girl anymore, he loves you. But that doesn’t mean he is over it and not pissed or embarrassed or even a little shameful about what went down. That ring represents the ultimatum and all the crappy feelings and decisions that came along with it.

Forgive him for being human, for having a past and holding onto it. Thank his past for making him a stronger more careful and deliberate person. Remind him how amazing you are by creating the space for him to share and communicate and release the stories and the feelings he has been holding onto with an iron grip for years. No matter who that ring does, did, or will belong to… its time to start talking with your man.

Love,

Dear Brooke,

Regards,
Sad Sister

Hi Sweet Darling,

First of all, I want to note it’s interesting that you started by asking me what to do about a situation with your mom, but signed the letter “sad sister“…You are in so many places at once, trying to fix so many relationships at the same time…

Ok, I’m just going to launch right into it… I think there is a part of you, deep down and totally unconsciously, that is having a hard time separating your relationship with your mom from your brothers’ relationship with your mom. I imagine that it’s hard for you to watch the unhealthiness between your mom and brother right before your eyes, similar to what you worked so hard to move past. Your moms “neediness”-her need to be a good mom, a good friend- is really hard for you to witness. You experienced it first hand and healed from it on so many levels. It makes sense that you would want your brother to move forward and experience that same healing. But my love, here’s the truth…you are not your brother, your brother is not you. Here’s why this is important to really understand

Your journey went a little something like this… Your mother treated you like a friend and needed you to be a certain kind of person for her to feel like a good mom. You went away to college and finally got far enough out of the house to realize how much your mother’s stuff had been “impeding” on you. You did a ton of work on yourself and grew immensely. Now, you are a 27 year old strong amazing person…

Your little bro is on a different journey. He was home after you went away to college. He was there with your parents as they entered a place in their marriage where it became clear things weren’t going to work out. He was witness to that first hand, he literally lived it. That’s huge. There are so many maybes with him… maybe he wants to stay home because he just needs to right now. Maybe he is way sadder than you could ever imagine. Maybe he has been through stuff in life that you don’t realize. Maybe leaving for college is not the best thing for him right now… maybe it is. Maybe Maybe Maybe…

You don’t know for sure what your brothers going through because he is his own person. One thing I can promise you for sure is that he isn’t going through what you went through. The thing about siblings is that in many cases we grew up in the same home, with the same family, going to the same school, etc. but the trick is… we’re not the same. Relationships between siblings are the strongest when they allow each other to be who they are, and travel this life in the way they need to individually…and love each other despite their different paths.

Your brother has his own path…his own process. The most amazing beautiful thing you can do for him is to support and love him as he takes the steps that are right for him while not hoping or asking him to change. Have trust that he will get to where he needs to be when he needs to be there.

There are so many things happening in your family right now to be mindful of. Not only your brother, but take a moment to think about your mom and what she might be going through. Maybe she wants your brother to stay because her marriage just ended and she feels scared. Maybe she doesn’t want to be an empty nester. Maybe she can’t handle so much at once. Maybe she is way sadder than you can ever imagine. Maybe she has been for a long time. Maybe she is doing the best she can with what she has…Maybe Maybe Maybe.

My advice: Nurture the relationships that you have and that you are a part of. Call your brother. Ask him how he is. Listen. Tell him you love him. Call your mom. Ask her how she is. Listen. Tell her you love her. Cherish those relationships deeply, be deliberate about the energy and love you put into them. Be cognizant that people need different things at different times and just because they are family, it doesn’t mean we know what they’re going through. I know, you hate hearing that. You are doing so amazing and your heart could not be in a righter place.

Here’s the most important part… your self care through all of this. Choose not to feel guilty for growing. Choose not to feel bad for moving forward. Here’s the deal… When we grow in our lives in some positive way a few things happen. 1, we think that everyone should go down the same path towards that growth because we want them to experience the same goodness we have and 2. if they don’t, we feel so guilty that we are happy and free which makes us want #1 even more. Get it? Choose not to let that happen. Let your mom go through the loss of her marriage and the possible loss of her son as he begins to grow. And let your brother be a separate fabulous guy and go on a separate fabulous journey. Be there to witness it. Tell him you love him. Yes, again. Do what you need to do for you and trust trust trust that on some level, your brother and mom are doing the same…

Ok, take a big deep loving juicy breath. Virtual hugs from me to you gorgeous… like, a ton of them.

Love,