The thing about being consumed with your relationships…

Dear Brooke,

I’ve been married for 9 years and have been cheating on my husband for the last 3. I thought I was unhappy at the time and was smitten with a new relationship. There was even a point where I thought I wanted to leave my husband for this new guy.

 

My husband always found out and kept giving me second chances which I wouldn’t take seriously and I would continue to do things behind his back. So finally it was the last straw and my husband left me for good. Funny thing is, only when I was actually faced with the reality of losing my marriage that I truly wanted to change.

 

I was truly sorry this time and wanted to change my ways. I was willing to go to counseling, whatever it took. It was the first time I was willing to do something proactive in order to keep my marriage together, although I had taken it for granted for the longest time.

 

My husband and I have not filed for divorce. We are technically separated and he says it’s because he wants me to try it out with the new guy. It seems like I have lost my husband forever. The new guy tries to make me happy, although there are a lot of qualities in him that get on my nerves.

 

Should I settle with my “good enough” new guy or is there any way I can get my husband back?

-Stuck

 

Dear Stuck,

You are so brave and fabulous for writing in, admitting your indiscretions, and reaching out. Thank you for you. Before I even begin to respond to your amazing and important question, I want to apologize and ask for your forgiveness.

 

The reason: I’m not really going to answer your question in the way you were hoping. Why? Because you only gave me 2 options: First, settle with the new guy or second, get your husband back. From where I’m sitting my love, neither jumps out as something that will serve you and your wonderful self in the long run.

 

So even though I’m not going to choose one of your stated options and tell you how to flawlessly carry out a perfect “get my life back to happy, and fast” plan, I do in fact have some ideas, feedback, and hopefully some bits of guidance for you…go figure.

 

To start off; being with your husband sounds like a beautiful idea, if it makes sense…in the future (I’m a fan of joyful and psychologically conscious marriages). But before you even think about trying to participate in your marriage or get your husband back, my advice is…get yourself back.

 

And on that note, here we go…

 

Stuck darling, first things first: It’s immensely important that you rebuild a certain relationship that is without a doubt, the most important relationship you will ever have…the one with yourself. Because from the sound of it, it seems that that relationship is missing for you, and causing all kinds of challenges. Let me explain…

 

Let’s set the stage. If you in fact truly-madly-deeply want your husband back right-now-this-very-moment, you would not be trying to have a relationship with another man…no matter what kind of requests your husband made regarding what you should or shouldn’t try. But the fact that you are trying things out with the other guy, even though you’re not happy with him, tells me a few things…

 

It tells me that you’re not a fan of being alone…you’re always looking for someone to have a relationship with. And surprise, that person you’re looking for is…yourself. It seems that when you can’t find yourself in your relationship, you go to another one to see if you just might be there.

 

And this, gorgeous, leads me to understand why the threat of being alone is so deeply scary to you that it has recently made you want to change your ways…because you don’t know who you are alone.

 

Darlin, your identity has become “stuck” as you’ve been consumed with the relationships in your life. The thing about being consumed with your relationships is that consumption results in a disappearance. Just as we consume food and then poof- it’s gone, when relationships consume us, we disappear.

 

This may seem like tough love, and all I know about you is what you wrote in your letter, but I say this to you with respect and support and delicious woman to woman female amazingness… my darling, the way to get un-stuck at this juncture in your life, is to scoop yourself out from under the relationships that have been defining you for so many years.

 

You have lost your definition stuck sweetie…your color has faded a bit in the midst of all of the relationships you’ve been in. So color yourself in, re-define your outlines. You said you were willing to go to therapy… I say go. Find out who you are, what you want, and why you want it…on your own.

 

I’m not saying don’t ever be with your husband again. But if you re-engage in your marriage too soon, I fear that your identity may get lost in your relationship again, and at some point you’ll be temped to go elsewhere to find yourself…leading you to cheat again.

 

Consider the possibility of being in a relationship with you for right now, no one else. If it’s right for you, you could send your husband a letter letting him know that you’re making a commitment to working on things. Let him know you have chosen not to be with this other person, but you have chosen to be with yourself so that you can be your best self, no matter what happens.

 

If you do choose to take this path of getting to know yourself and what you want, be prepared and patient. Prepare yourself for feelings that you haven’t felt before, feelings that have been tucked away under your relationships for so many years. Get support. Get support. And get more support. But not in the form of a boyfriend …in the form of a therapist or counselor, friends, hobbies, and interests. Feel what it feels to be you.

 

Considering you’ve been looking for yourself in your relationships…when your husband said to go be with that guy for a while, he may have not have known it at the time, but what he was really saying was take some time and go find yourself. ….and that sounds about right.

Love,