A lil’ taste of “Dave’s” question…

“So the problem is this : every time she receives a rejection letter, every time she comes back from an interview she feels did not go well, every time a friend of hers get hired or gets sworn in as a lawyer, my girlfriend throws a fit. She feels left behind by her friends and by me, and she ends up questioning her entire career choice. I inevitably react badly to these situations, as I’m more of a “grab-life-by-the-cojones” kind of person and don’t see any point in self-pity and crying over things we can’t change. So, typical guy, I propose solutions and come off as insensitive. Voices are raised, tears inevitably come, and strain is put on the relationship…”

A lil’ taste of my response…

“Dear Dave,

I love that you threw all your cards on the table, coined yourself a “typical guy,” and even identified that proposing solutions does in fact make you come off insensitive. The fact that you wrote in and asked about this tells me that deep down, you are anything but insensitive, which is great news because in order to be the man your sweet woman needs right now, you’re going to have to dig down way past your ‘cojones’, grab all the sensitivity you’ve got, and put it to work. Starting yesterday…”

Check out Soapbox Therapy on Primer Magazine to read the full column, and to find out how I support Dave in supporting his girl..

Hi Brooke,

–“Rebeka”

Dear Rebeka,

First of all, thank you so so much for your support of Soapbox Therapy! I’m so appreciative of your loyalty and readership. Even more so, I’m insanely proud of you for opening up, and am beyond thrilled that you feel safe writing in.

Though I’m not a sex therapist, since my recent column, the thing about relationships that are all about sex, I’ve been getting a ton of questions on the topic. Am I having too much sex, am I having too little, what’s wrong with me what’s wrong with him and her and us…for example. So, I’m choosing your question to respond to darlin, as the representative for some major food for thought and much needed light on such an important issue.

So, here we go…

Your particular question is jam packed with vital details, including your boyfriend’s psychological and physical wellbeing. But before you can wrap your beautiful emotional brain around the issues you described, I want to ask you to take an imperative first step: peel away the should, shed the supposed to, liberate yourself from judgment and begin to consider, embrace, and get to know your sexual appetite. Yes, really.

Judging and comparing and asking sexual appetite questions like am I normal and is this OK and enough and and and, is taking you away from the real and underlying issues. In order to give yourself and your relationship a fair shot at getting to the deeper stuff, consider this:

The thing about sexual appetite is that it’s no different than any other appetite. Think about the different foods, tastes, flavors, and quantity you eat. Is your appetite unique? Very. Judging your sexual appetite is like saying, “Wow, there must be something wrong with me. My propensity towards spicy food is really becoming an issue”. Should I want it more, should I want it less. Should my partner want it more or less or somewhere in between? Ugh, emotionally exhausting.

Everyone’s sexual appetite is unique, and comes from somewhere. Maybe someone, for example, had a horrible or amazing experience with sushi…so they never want it again, or they want it all the time. A taste for spicy, a sweet tooth, a big appetite, a not so big appetite, salty, savory, and hey, some people at certain times would just rather eat alone. Just sayin’. Get it? Sexual appetite=Different for everyone, for different reasons. Judgment= unnecessary. Books/articles telling you what and who and where and how much sex you’re supposed to have= don’t read them…ever.

Ok, moving on…

The good news is that you and your boyfriend seem to, when in a healthy state of mind, have similar sexual appetites, which is amazing and beautiful. The other news is that it seems his appetite has shifted significantly, which is a likely indicator that something deeper is going on.

Our appetites in general are directly impacted by our emotional state of mind. When you notice a friend just stops feeling hungry or is uncomfortable and overwhelmed by the thought of eating…a red flag is raised. This is similar. Sexual appetite often shifts when something is shifting inside of us.

From the explanation you gave of your boyfriend around this topic (thinking sex is messy, self sabotaging his physical health, performance anxiety) I’m led to believe he’s experiencing some inner emotional distress. (I’m not disregarding what might be going on physically, but I’m not a Doctor) Not knowing him or hearing from him directly, I have no place to diagnose anything…or even analyze him for that matter, any more than I already have. What I can do though, is support you…

My suggestion gorgeous: Take what you now know about sexual appetite, peel away the judgment and get grounded–then talk with your boyfriend. Let him know sex is not your focus right now, he is. His health is.

Consider and express your intentions in talking with him, be clear about your goals of the conversation. Tell him you’re worried about him, let him know how you feel as his girlfriend and how his health is affecting you, ask how you can be a support, use “I” statements, and give examples (his liver diagnosis and lack of proactive response).

Offer ideas and come up with a plan together for what’s next. You’re entering into the next stage of your relationship (living together) so it’s time for both of you to take on the responsibility of being an active participant in the relationship…a true partner. Be honest, authentic, and allow yourself to be vulnerable-doing this will give him the permission to do the same.

And follow up…this isn’t going to be one conversation, and it’s not about figuring out what’s wrong with him. It’s about inviting him to join you in signing up for your relationship on a new level…to support all three parts–the you, the him, and the “us”—to become strong and healthy.

Major tip: focusing the conversation on not having sex will undoubtedly stress him out. He may not be in a place where he understands the shift in his sexual appetite to be a symptom of other things. He may feel embarrassed, shameful, or judged, even though that’s not your intention. He may get defensive (when shame is confronted, defensiveness often follows). So…be kind and supportive, and don’t make sex the central focus.

My love, the whole point is…no matter how sweet or spicy things are in the bedroom, if you make this all about the quantity of sex you’re having in your relationship, you may just miss the mark…

Love,

Here’s a little something I wrote for The IS Collection this month…

In my house, presented proudly amongst candles and a vase of flowers, is “The Art of Doing Nothing,” a book by Veronique Vienne. Despite being an amazing resource, this book became a decorative accessory describing ways to relax and recharge I had yet to sample. I loved having it on display, even though I hadn’t picked it up or read it for years, because simply walking past it on a daily basis made me feel like one day, preferably in this lifetime, I might just get around to learning about doing nothing.

Finally, I did..

I took my always going, working, doing-something-self to boon hotel + spa, with hopes of not only celebrating travel, but practicing shifting gears, changing scenery, slowing down … and with some luck, learning a bit about nothing.

It worked; I’ve come back from my trip not only renewed, but eager to post myself on my soapbox and make a strong claim … doing nothing is quite something.

I’ve concluded though, after some soul searching and practice, that doing nothing, in our modern go-do-accomplish-succeed society, has found itself in a bit of an unfortunate predicament. Often attached to self-disapproving descriptions like “lazy” yet sometimes swooned over as a privilege after accomplishing, working, completing, and doing enough, doing nothing has become both a fear and a fantasy.

Afraid to do too little and afraid to do too much, our relationship with doing nothing could use some work. From where I’m sitting, it seems it’s time we not only begin to see value in our nothings, but appreciate them in every shape and form. From travel to a bath, a book that has nothing to do with anything to a TV show just because, the thing about doing nothing is that it’s not nothing at all … it’s something big and amazing and important and nourishing and necessary. Doing nothing is a gift, if we’re willing to receive it.

Nothing is the way our body-mind-spirit-soul prepares for all of our other something’s. Nothing serves and feeds us–in all we do. Nothing is how we heal, how we cleanse, how we shift. Nothing is the before, the middle, and the after. Nothing is everything. Doing nothing is an art.

It’s time we give our nothings their luster back, restore their shine, and award them the credit they deserve. Be curious about your nothing. What does it look like and feel like? How have you described it, judged it, put it down? Can you describe your nothing differently? Can you commend it, praise it, and be proud of it … even on a Tuesday?

Nothings are not only for vacations, or Sundays. Nothings are gifts to give ourselves whenever, wherever, however we choose. Don’t judge, don’t fantasize, just schedule a little something of nothing … and practice.

Practice breathing, practice stretching, practice laughing and reading and watching and sleeping. Practice. Ask your human-doing self to step aside. Invite your human-being self in. Practice being. Practice nothing.

It doesn’t matter if you’re in your bed, in a coffee shop, on your couch, or at boon hotel … your nothing is for you to decide. Notice your breath, appreciate yourself, give your mind permission to rest. Be reminded that you do enough. You do a lot of enough.

There is in fact an art to doing nothing, and it’s time we appreciate its value … because there’s just something about nothing.