Hi Brooke,

I have an issue that I have dealt with for years. I have a hard time with holding grudges against people who I feel do me wrong. I’ll think that I have gotten over it and see them and then all those emotions will come flooding back and I’m angry again for what seems like ages.

I just want to be able to live my life without being angry with people. Any help would be greatly appreciated!!

>xoxo SJGirl

Dear SJGirl,

Love it love it love it. How could I not want to hug you through the computer when you’re telling me you want to live your life with less anger and more kindness? You’re coming clean with insanely gorgeous self-confidence and I love every second of it. You rock doll face! Now, let’s deal with this anger bug. Here we go…

The thing about (I know, I’m wasting zero time) holding grudges is that it’s not a behavior that just appears out of thin air—it comes from somewhere…and usually that somewhere is what I like to call “ the original grudge”(O.G).

So first and foremost, I’m going to ask you to think back…

It’s likely something happened way back when in your life- someone hurt you, upset you, disappointed you, let you down, did you wrong. Like, way back when. When you were little. Maybe even little, little. Maybe directly, or maybe indirectly. Someone who was supposed to be there for you, keep you safe, be kind to you, and never let you down. Think parents, teachers, authority figures, adults…think back…

Maybe you don’t remember it right now-right away, maybe you’ve put it out of your mind hoping and praying and thinking that it didn’t really matter. Maybe it was a physical hurt, an emotional hurt, a sexual hurt, a spiritual hurt. Maybe it wasn’t an obvious wrong-doing, but a wrong-doing nonetheless.

What happens is this: When someone hurts us early on in life, while our inner wires are still fragile and vulnerable, we get rewired—and so does our relationship with anger…and forgiveness.

The O.G commonly happens at a time when we’re too young or too afraid to express our feelings, so they get left inside and stay dormant, get old, and take up space. We don’t get to process, we don’t get to get angry, we don’t get to forgive.

Then, when we’re older and more capable of expressing ourselves…we do…with a vengeance…because our relationship with being let down and making peace is all out of whack.

Instead of feeling appropriately pissed or hurt then working it out, communicating, making amends, etc…when someone does you wrong, you can’t even look at them–their presence in a room makes your blood boil, your heart sink, and you can’t move on. Sound familiar? It’s because you haven’t yet figured out what forgiveness really feels like for you…you’re not only mad at the person for what they did, but you’re mad at things that came before…you’re not only trying to forgive one situation, but others…all at the same time.

So it’s time my love, to go back…release, forgive, separate the past from the present, get clear, and untangle your wires.

Think back to the original grudge. Remember it. Admit it. Say it. Cry, scream, hit a pillow. Feel it. Get support. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive more. Ya, even more. Not as a gift to the person who hurt you, but as a gift to yourself. Forgive yourself for holding it inside, forgive the situation for existing at all. You didn’t deserve it, but you also don’t deserve to feel this anger all the time either. So release it. And allow yourself the time you need to cycle through this process over and over and over. It takes time…lots of time.

You haven’t forgiven the person or the act that created the original grudge. Maybe you thought you forgave them, but you’re holding onto something. So, it’s time to release. Big time.

Anger gets held onto like old food in a refrigerator. Eventually, it gets moldy and makes all the new stuff coming in smell crappy. So, clean out your old stuff. You may not even know its there, but when you clear some things out of the way, you’ll see it.

And–call me for some individual and private soapbox support if you need. (Yup, I do that now!) I would love to help and support you in figuring out what the original grudge was, and put it to bed once and for all…I’m here for you doll face. Big time.

And that’s the thing about holding grudges.

Love,

Brooke

Dear Brooke,

Thank you so much,
SSgirl

Dear SS,

What a gorgeous brave human you are for writing in with this question! The visualizations you’re describing sound like what I call ‘waking dreams’, and let me surprise you a bit…this particular type of ‘waking-dream’ is SO common. Yes, really. I have a feeling that countless people read your question with both dropped jaws and a sense of relief in finding out that they’re not the only one. Delicious delicious delicious. Cheers to you sweet girl, thank you for opening this topic up.

Diving right in… here’s the Soapbox take on dreams, both waking and sleeping.

Dreams are an opportunity for your unconscious mind–the part of your mind that usually takes a back seat in your day-to-day life even though it’s filled with juicy amazing knowledge–to send you important and meaningful messages that might be too painful, too complex, or even too embarrassing to realize in your conscious every day mind. In other words, dreams come to us for a reason, and are packed with knowledge worth paying attention to.

Let’s set the stage for your particular waking dream: Every human being has inside of themselves countless characters (also known as archetypes), including, for example, the attacker, victim, and hero. For understandable reasons, most of us don’t want to admit that each of those is part of us. It’s hard for a lot of people to accept that inside of them lives the potential to be an attacker, and hard for others to accept that inside of them lives a true hero. Regardless of our ability and interest in recognizing it, each archetype lives in every one of us. That being said…

After reading your story, it sounds to me that what’s going on is that the hero archetype in you is being played out in your waking dream/visualization. You have some incredible heroic energy inside of you that your day-to-day conscious self has yet to invite in, so your waking dreams are expressing that energy for you.

For whatever reason (for you to figure out, love), you have chosen to keep your hero self inside. Maybe you don’t want to make others feel insecure around you. Maybe you experienced being the victim, but never got the chance to be the hero… Maybe your own power scares the you-know-what out of you. Maybe maybe maybe. These waking dreams are asking you–pleading with you–that you put your fears and discomforts aside, and let your hero in.

The thing about dreams is that they allow us to express and acknowledge every beautiful-scary-repressed-supressed-restricted-contained-amazing-juicy part of ourselves…in safe ways.

The hero archetype is showing up in your visualizations to reassure you that you do in fact have the inner resources, strength, and tools to survive and prevail over anything that comes your way. You have a hero inside of you, and it’s time to invite her into your life…

My advice: Embrace your hero-self my dear, lift the judgment you’ve placed on your waking dreams, and give your inner heroic power permission to exist. Just like anyone else, she is just trying to be seen, recognized, acknowledged. So turn around and greet her.

Your waking dreams are far from pathetic. They are in fact proof that your inner self is full of amazingness and smart enough to make sure you see it…sounds pretty heroic if you ask me.

Love,

Dear Brooke,

Thanks so much,
Migraine Molly

Hi Sweet M&M,

Thank you so much for asking this question! It’s important for Soapbox Therapy readers to know that the seemingly little questions are just as juicy and important as the long story questions. And just to confirm how much I love your mini question, I’m starting a new Soapbox feature with you as the inspiration. I’ll call it…Soapbox Mini.

So, here we go…A Mini from Molly.

Psychosomatic–let’s break it down. The root of the word is psych, as in psychology, psychotherapy, etc. It refers to the mind. And soma, of Latin descent, means body. So psychosomatic literally is a word that describes the mind/body connection.

Here’s the deal: our minds can only deal with so much, and sometimes they need some help to digest everything going on. Think co-parenting. Your mind is one parent to your emotions, and your body is the other. They work together, even if you don’t realize it.

Sometimes things happen in our lives and feelings come up that are just too much for our mind to process, for numerous reasons—timing, capacity, etc. But our feelings are meant to be felt, so if our minds won’t or can’t feel them, our bodies will.

So instead of attempting to deal with a situation that might make us feel depressed, for example…we can have migraines. Or back pain. Or stomach aches. Or or or. And, it can go the other way around. You can be suffering from depression (again, just an example) only to come to find out that you’ve actually had something physical going on the whole time, like low thyroid, or or or.

Now let’s be clear, I’m not saying that your migraines are psychosomatic. And, I’m not a Doctor so I’m not diagnosing anything or anyone…not all physical ailments are overflow from the mind, and not all psychological challenges are overflow from the body. But, some are. And that’s what psychosomatic is talking about.

The thing about the mind-body connection is that it’s real. The mind and body work together constantly and sometimes an emotion or feeling meant for one of them falls on the lap of the other, and just sits there–relentless. Recognizing a psychosomatic symptom is hard work and takes some major honesty with yourself, but re-directing the symptom from your body back to your mind, then processing through it and allowing it to digest and move on? So doable…and so worth it.

And that, sweets, is psychosomatic.
Love,
Brooke.

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