read Shit or Get Off The Pot HERE…

I have an issue that I have dealt with for years. I have a hard time with holding grudges against people who I feel do me wrong. I’ll think that I have gotten over it and see them and then all those emotions will come flooding back and I’m angry again for what seems like ages.

I just want to be able to live my life without being angry with people. Any help would be greatly appreciated!!

>xoxo SJGirl

Dear SJGirl,

Love it love it love it. How could I not want to hug you through the computer when you’re telling me you want to live your life with less anger and more kindness? You’re coming clean with insanely gorgeous self-confidence and I love every second of it. You rock doll face! Now, let’s deal with this anger bug. Here we go…

The thing about (I know, I’m wasting zero time) holding grudges is that it’s not a behavior that just appears out of thin air—it comes from somewhere…and usually that somewhere is what I like to call “ the original grudge”(O.G).

So first and foremost, I’m going to ask you to think back…

It’s likely something happened way back when in your life- someone hurt you, upset you, disappointed you, let you down, did you wrong. Like, way back when. When you were little. Maybe even little, little. Maybe directly, or maybe indirectly. Someone who was supposed to be there for you, keep you safe, be kind to you, and never let you down. Think parents, teachers, authority figures, adults…think back…

Maybe you don’t remember it right now-right away, maybe you’ve put it out of your mind hoping and praying and thinking that it didn’t really matter. Maybe it was a physical hurt, an emotional hurt, a sexual hurt, a spiritual hurt. Maybe it wasn’t an obvious wrong-doing, but a wrong-doing nonetheless.

What happens is this: When someone hurts us early on in life, while our inner wires are still fragile and vulnerable, we get rewired—and so does our relationship with anger…and forgiveness.

The O.G commonly happens at a time when we’re too young or too afraid to express our feelings, so they get left inside and stay dormant, get old, and take up space. We don’t get to process, we don’t get to get angry, we don’t get to forgive.

Then, when we’re older and more capable of expressing ourselves…we do…with a vengeance…because our relationship with being let down and making peace is all out of whack.

Instead of feeling appropriately pissed or hurt then working it out, communicating, making amends, etc…when someone does you wrong, you can’t even look at them–their presence in a room makes your blood boil, your heart sink, and you can’t move on. Sound familiar? It’s because you haven’t yet figured out what forgiveness really feels like for you…you’re not only mad at the person for what they did, but you’re mad at things that came before…you’re not only trying to forgive one situation, but others…all at the same time.

So it’s time my love, to go back…release, forgive, separate the past from the present, get clear, and untangle your wires.

Think back to the original grudge. Remember it. Admit it. Say it. Cry, scream, hit a pillow. Feel it. Get support. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive more. Ya, even more. Not as a gift to the person who hurt you, but as a gift to yourself. Forgive yourself for holding it inside, forgive the situation for existing at all. You didn’t deserve it, but you also don’t deserve to feel this anger all the time either. So release it. And allow yourself the time you need to cycle through this process over and over and over. It takes time…lots of time.

You haven’t forgiven the person or the act that created the original grudge. Maybe you thought you forgave them, but you’re holding onto something. So, it’s time to release. Big time.

Anger gets held onto like old food in a refrigerator. Eventually, it gets moldy and makes all the new stuff coming in smell crappy. So, clean out your old stuff. You may not even know its there, but when you clear some things out of the way, you’ll see it.

And–call me for some individual and private soapbox support if you need. (Yup, I do that now!) I would love to help and support you in figuring out what the original grudge was, and put it to bed once and for all…I’m here for you doll face. Big time.

And that’s the thing about holding grudges.

Love,

Brooke

“It seems as if the day is upon us, fellow gentlemen. The time of nice guys finishing last has come and gone. It’s simple: play them at their own game. Brooke shows us how.”

Click here to read The Modern Day Bad Boy on Primer Magazine!

I recently read an article in In Touch Weekly (July 19, 2010 issue) about Kourtney Kardashian, eldest of the famous and gorgeous Kardashian sisters. The article, titled “Trapped!” was 4 pages of gossip, quotes, and commentary discussing why oh why Kourtney won’t leave the father of her son Mason–and boyfriend, Scott Disick.

Reading the article reminded me of something extremely important: the gossip magazines need a Soapbox perspective…and fast.

The article, like many others published, was a gathering and gossip piece. Entertaining? Sure. Sufficient? Not at all.

It’s time for a change…we need more, we deserve more…and so do the celebs. Maybe some psychologically intelligent commentary with ridiculous style? No problem…that’s where I come in.

So Kourtney, doll-face, if I…a shoe-loving-realistic-outspoken-intelligent-girly-girl-of-a -therapist had the opportunity to sit with you on my soapbox and get real about Scott…here’s what I would say. Fluff free.

You’re a 31 year old woman with quite a life under your belt. In addition to the huge fame, insane pressure, and the millions of things we don’t know about your life around men and dating, there’s this: Your parents divorced when you were 10, your mom remarried, then you lost your dad at 24. I think you deserve some support…and, an explanation.

Let’s break it down…

Kids of divorce, AKA you, deal with their adult relationships in many different ways. A very common response is that they simply don’t like break-ups. They don’t like when things fall apart, period. It’s too painful, too scary, and an unwanted reminder of the past…especially when there are kids involved, and even when the relationship is more crappy then good.

If and when a break up does happen though, it’s usually an abrupt and dramatic reaction to a specific event. Why? Because it’s less drawn out, and focuses more on anger than on sadness and loss. And for many people, anger is way easier (though not as authentic of course) to deal with than sadness and loss…especially when you’ve already lost someone.

Your father passing away has undoubtedly colored your relationship to loss in a big way. And I don’t know this because I know you (I don’t), I know this because you’re human…and that’s how it works. Loss of a life and loss of a relationship strike a similar cord in our hearts. Once you’ve felt that type of sting, you do everything you can to avoid it getting near you ever again. Even if it means staying in a relationship… (more about loss and relationships here)

So beautiful, from a Soapbox perspective, it all makes sense. It’s more than he’s an ass so why is she staying? You got into this relationship for a reason, you went back for a reason, and you’re staying in it for a reason as well.

My advice: Get honest with how you feel–fill your soapbox with your truth, then step up onto it with killer heals and a big voice. Know your history and use it. Write the rest of your story for yourself…fluff free.

And…to the magazines: Kourtney Kardashian has chosen the limelight, so her story and life has become available- understandable. But, if you’re going to gossip about people, offer some intelligent and helpful commentary as a side dish. Or…just call Soapbox Therapy, and we’ll take care of it for you.

Love,

Brooke

“In your 40s, you have a special something,” proclaimed Miller. “You’re experienced enough to know what truth feels like, and you’re young enough to believe in the magic of it. You pretty much have the upper hand — if you so choose to use it.”

…CHECK OUT THE WHOLE ARTICLE HERE!

Dear Brooke,

Thank you so much,
SSgirl

Dear SS,

What a gorgeous brave human you are for writing in with this question! The visualizations you’re describing sound like what I call ‘waking dreams’, and let me surprise you a bit…this particular type of ‘waking-dream’ is SO common. Yes, really. I have a feeling that countless people read your question with both dropped jaws and a sense of relief in finding out that they’re not the only one. Delicious delicious delicious. Cheers to you sweet girl, thank you for opening this topic up.

Diving right in… here’s the Soapbox take on dreams, both waking and sleeping.

Dreams are an opportunity for your unconscious mind–the part of your mind that usually takes a back seat in your day-to-day life even though it’s filled with juicy amazing knowledge–to send you important and meaningful messages that might be too painful, too complex, or even too embarrassing to realize in your conscious every day mind. In other words, dreams come to us for a reason, and are packed with knowledge worth paying attention to.

Let’s set the stage for your particular waking dream: Every human being has inside of themselves countless characters (also known as archetypes), including, for example, the attacker, victim, and hero. For understandable reasons, most of us don’t want to admit that each of those is part of us. It’s hard for a lot of people to accept that inside of them lives the potential to be an attacker, and hard for others to accept that inside of them lives a true hero. Regardless of our ability and interest in recognizing it, each archetype lives in every one of us. That being said…

After reading your story, it sounds to me that what’s going on is that the hero archetype in you is being played out in your waking dream/visualization. You have some incredible heroic energy inside of you that your day-to-day conscious self has yet to invite in, so your waking dreams are expressing that energy for you.

For whatever reason (for you to figure out, love), you have chosen to keep your hero self inside. Maybe you don’t want to make others feel insecure around you. Maybe you experienced being the victim, but never got the chance to be the hero… Maybe your own power scares the you-know-what out of you. Maybe maybe maybe. These waking dreams are asking you–pleading with you–that you put your fears and discomforts aside, and let your hero in.

The thing about dreams is that they allow us to express and acknowledge every beautiful-scary-repressed-supressed-restricted-contained-amazing-juicy part of ourselves…in safe ways.

The hero archetype is showing up in your visualizations to reassure you that you do in fact have the inner resources, strength, and tools to survive and prevail over anything that comes your way. You have a hero inside of you, and it’s time to invite her into your life…

My advice: Embrace your hero-self my dear, lift the judgment you’ve placed on your waking dreams, and give your inner heroic power permission to exist. Just like anyone else, she is just trying to be seen, recognized, acknowledged. So turn around and greet her.

Your waking dreams are far from pathetic. They are in fact proof that your inner self is full of amazingness and smart enough to make sure you see it…sounds pretty heroic if you ask me.

Love,

Dear Brooke,

Thanks so much,
Migraine Molly

Hi Sweet M&M,

Thank you so much for asking this question! It’s important for Soapbox Therapy readers to know that the seemingly little questions are just as juicy and important as the long story questions. And just to confirm how much I love your mini question, I’m starting a new Soapbox feature with you as the inspiration. I’ll call it…Soapbox Mini.

So, here we go…A Mini from Molly.

Psychosomatic–let’s break it down. The root of the word is psych, as in psychology, psychotherapy, etc. It refers to the mind. And soma, of Latin descent, means body. So psychosomatic literally is a word that describes the mind/body connection.

Here’s the deal: our minds can only deal with so much, and sometimes they need some help to digest everything going on. Think co-parenting. Your mind is one parent to your emotions, and your body is the other. They work together, even if you don’t realize it.

Sometimes things happen in our lives and feelings come up that are just too much for our mind to process, for numerous reasons—timing, capacity, etc. But our feelings are meant to be felt, so if our minds won’t or can’t feel them, our bodies will.

So instead of attempting to deal with a situation that might make us feel depressed, for example…we can have migraines. Or back pain. Or stomach aches. Or or or. And, it can go the other way around. You can be suffering from depression (again, just an example) only to come to find out that you’ve actually had something physical going on the whole time, like low thyroid, or or or.

Now let’s be clear, I’m not saying that your migraines are psychosomatic. And, I’m not a Doctor so I’m not diagnosing anything or anyone…not all physical ailments are overflow from the mind, and not all psychological challenges are overflow from the body. But, some are. And that’s what psychosomatic is talking about.

The thing about the mind-body connection is that it’s real. The mind and body work together constantly and sometimes an emotion or feeling meant for one of them falls on the lap of the other, and just sits there–relentless. Recognizing a psychosomatic symptom is hard work and takes some major honesty with yourself, but re-directing the symptom from your body back to your mind, then processing through it and allowing it to digest and move on? So doable…and so worth it.

And that, sweets, is psychosomatic.
Love,
Brooke.

Click HERE to submit your question to Soapbox MINI!

…Click HERE to check out the whole article!

This month The IS Collection is coming clean with Soapbox Therapy! Check it out…

A funny thing happens to your authentic inner amazing fabulous self and your hopes and dreams and goals and talents and creativity, when they don’t get expressed to the world. When you keep them inside, afraid and unsure of your interest in letting them be seen and heard and witnessed and challenged. They get stuck, weigh you down, and, drum roll please…make you depressed. Yes, really.

Not the I-just-lost-someone-or-something kind of depression. Not the transition and change and new chapter of life kind of depression. Not the post or pre or during or after that new thing started or that old thing ended kind of depression. This is the I-have-no-idea-why-I-feel-so-down-and-dark-and-heavy-and-I’ve- talked-and-analyzed-and-told-my-story-from-childhood-to-now-and-haven’t-yet-found-a-clue–kind of depression.

This is the kind of depression that grows from light…inner light. We all have it, this bright inner light that’s made up of all of our fabulous parts that we know on some level are there, even if we wouldn’t be caught dead admitting them for fear we may sound… confident. All of our gifts and beautiful potential and everything in-between finds itself in that inner light. As it turns out, though, light isn’t so pretty when kept to ourselves.

When you hold back your inner light from the very world it was made to shine in, things go dark.

It goes like this: When who you really are and what you really want are suffocating inside of you, when too much light attempts to compact itself into a tight container with no room to breathe or express or be honest or come clean…it’s blinding and weighing and darkening. Simple as that. Dramatic? Maybe. True? Absolutely.

Try it. Really (not really). Put a million beautiful things into a teeny tiny container, close it off, and swallow it. Not so beautiful anymore, huh? Those beautiful things, inner diamonds if you will, can’t be seen, they can’t be appreciated, and they’re not doing healthy things to your body being kept inside, that’s for sure. Keeping our amazing inner gifts and selves from the world is darkening and deadening and dirtying…and depressing. So, come clean. Simple? For some. Worth it? In every way.

The thing about coming clean with your light, and dislodging it from inside of yourself to share it with the world is that it’s scary and beautiful and necessary…and cleansing. What is it that you’re holding back? What’s inside of you? What are you hiding or shoving or pushing deep down in an attempt to keep it from the world? And most importantly, why?

What are you doing with all that extra creativity and beauty? Who are you saving your intelligence and curiosity and talent for? While your real self hides under your skin, who is it that you’re bringing to the world each day as a false representative of the real you?

Come clean. Come clean with who you are, with what you want. Tell one person, tell your journal, tell yourself. Announce your goals and hopes and everything in-between. Represent yourself with truth, with grace, with pride. See what happens. Let your light seep out slowly, or open the gates and let it flow. Cry and laugh and be relieved and open. Because a funny thing happens to light when you give it permission to be seen…it shines.

And that’s the thing about coming clean.

The thing about “The Soapbox Therapist” becoming the new show on Oprah’s new OWN Cable network is that YOU CAN HELP MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Soapbox Therapy blog/column has been reaching out, inspiring, supporting, and loving you and your gorgeous selves for almost 1 year! (anniversary is 7/8/10!) Now the opportunity has arrived to reach out to even more amazing human beings and help support them on their journey to self-discovery, self-respect, and self-esteem…one television episode at a time!!!!! YES, that’s right… Soapbox has TV on the brain!

Here’s the deal: Oprah is launching a new TV network called OWN, and this competition is to get MY OWN SHOW on the network!!!!! The show? “The Soapbox Therapist”!!

All you have to do is click on the link below, watch my video, and VOTE! You can vote AS MANY TIMES AS YOU WANT!!!!!!!!!!!! YES, AS MANY TIMES AS YOU WANT!!!!! The people/videos with the top 5 votes will automatically be invited into the next round, an in-person interview and audition in Los Angeles in July, so we need votes, numbers, and positive comments FAST!!!!!

So, over the next 5 weeks leading up to the Soapbox Therapy blog 1 year anniversary, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE VOTE your beautiful fingers off and let’s celebrate loving ourselves from the inside out and the outside in and every ounce in-between!!!!!

Thank you for believing in me as I believe in you, you gorgeous fabulous self-aware emotionally intelligent Soapbox readers, you!!! Let’s take “The Soapbox Therapist” to OWN!!!

CLICK HERE TO VOTE FOR “THE SOAPBOX THERAPIST”

love love love love love,