This past weekend I lost my phone in my car. After having a friend call it and “shhh”…listen-for-it-to-vibrate-so-I-can-follow-the-sound-to-find-out-where-it-is…I figured it fell somewhere between the seat and the door.

So I reached my arm down to grab it…nothing. After wishing my arms were longer and my hands were bigger, I reached further. My fingers eventually made contact, barely. I moved and reached and stretched and extended—and finally got a hold of it. It’s almost embarrassing to describe the level of excitement I felt when I realized it just might be able to make this happen…

Then I wiggled. I wiggled my arm and hand and grip back and forth and tried to maintain my hold long enough to free the phone to safety in my hands. At one point, I had it…and then it dropped again, letting me know my only option was to get out of the car, move the seat, and grab it once and for all.

Why am I telling you about my weekend phone follies? Well, only a Soapbox Therapist would, with arm fully engulfed in the space between seat and door, think to herself: this is the best metaphor for making changes in our lives. Thank you phone…for making me wiggle.

The thing about making changes or doing something different or breaking habits or trying to get in the habit or or or…is that it takes some wiggle room to get there. Once you identify what you want to do or change or start or finish, the back and forth begins.

It seems that more often than not, we expect ourselves to start something new or different and get it on the first try. We assume that something must be going wrong-we must be doing something wrong- if we don’t have a tight grip, and smoothly make things happen with no shifting or trial and error necessary…We assume that the only right way is to, metaphorically, grab and go.

We logically know that seamlessness isn’t part of our DNA…but we still fantasize about it and knock ourselves when the inevitable happens…being human. So welcome to this amazing juicy imperfect life…stay a while, let’s wiggle a bit.

Sometimes you have a confident grip on what you want to change or shift or work on, and sometimes you can, in the beginning, barely make contact. It’s hard not to judge yourself when things take time and don’t happen right away, or for shifting back into old habits or thought patters. But judgment is simply your ego tricking you into thinking you’re supposed to be or do or finish or accomplish everything and anything, in a certain amount of time. Simmer down ego. Simmer down.

Sometimes it feels smooth and you know your goal is near, but sometimes you fall back and have to make some shifts and decide to do things differently. Let your inner ego know that you’re in it, you’re doing it, you’re trialing and erroring and attempting and resting and pushing and pulling. You’re wiggling yourself out of the place you started and into the next chapter, rather than just rolling over to arrive. You’re participating. Love it.

So next time you drop something in your car or behind your couch or under or over anything, remember that so is life…and so is change. Participate in the process: the destination is that much better when you’ve wiggled your way to it.

And that’s the thing about making changes.

Love,

Dear Brooke,

Sincerely,
Unsettled

Dear Unsettled,

What a perfect metaphor. You are engaged and not sold on your career and are looking for something to ground you and settle you…like a house. Neither renting the rest of your life nor owning are right or wrong, but both hold a certain stereotype and significance, let’s be honest. Renting… where to next? Owning…stay a while.

In my view, each human being has a certain capacity for the unknown, for that unsettled what’s coming next feeling. It sounds to me like you my darling dear, are at capacity. The amount of unknown and fear and oh my god and holy crap and pretending that everything is perfect that comes along with being engaged and planning a wedding in the first place is enough to put anyone over the edge!! But on top of it you don’t love your career! Helloooo! It makes perfect sense that you would want a house, representing solidity and a foundation…being settled. Ahhh, to be settled, to land, to root down. Delish.

Funny though…the thing you say about a house is that you want to have a wall to knock down….everyone needs a project, a work in progress when everything else is settled…something to balance you out. The thing about balance is that when it comes down to it, it’s what we’re really searching for. Like, all the time. You, my love, are off balance… but there’s hope. Seriously.

Take Mr. Fiancé for example…Maybe renting a place with the possibility of living differently than he had planned (buying a home) is balancing the success and satisfaction he is experiencing in his career. He is settled and happy with what he is doing and all of the sudden…he no longer feels the need to move. He has enough solidity that a little unknown is just what the doctor ordered.

here is nowhere in your life right now that the solidity is shining for you, you are all unknown-ed out. So your feelings make more sense than you know. My suggestion to you is this: take a breath and wait. Wait until your marriage is solidified and the wedding is over. Be settled and secure in your relationship and notice how it feels. That’s it? Ya, that’s it.

I can only guarantee you one thing. If you are unsettled within yourself, in your career, and in your relationship all at the same time then no house and no wall to paint is going to solve anything for you. It’s just going to add to the to-do list that is making up your life right now. Allow yourself to feel the sweetness of being settled, hang out there for a while and then maybe, just maybe you’ll be ready to think about knocking down walls.

Love,