Dear Brooke,

Love in limbo

Dear Limbo love,

There’s so much going on, and I want to support you in figuring out your present situation, But in order to do that, you gotta travel back. Travel back to the day when the red flag was unfolded and strung up to the flagpole for everyone and their mother to see. The day that you, you gorgeous, smart, capable woman… ignored it and ran from it like the frikin’ plague…and agreed to a second date.

As human beings, we never… I mean never… do things that don’t serve us in some way. I know, sounds confusing and a little crazy, but it’s true. We’re always acting on or acting out our issues– it’s the human condition. We’re incredibly intelligent emotional beings when it comes down to it. We know exactly what to do to get our needs met, even if it means suffering. When kids throw tantrums they’re really saying “see me, hear me, hello I need to be noticed!!” They get their need met. No matter how ugly it looks. So avoiding a red flag, when you seem to know exactly what you want, is a little tantrum of your inner world my love. It happened for a reason…it’s serving you…you’re getting your needs met. Sounds like you have a little addiction to not getting what you want. Un-furrow your brow doll face, I’ll explain…

How is being with someone who may have fundamentally different ideas of what life should look like than you do… serving you? How does not clearly asking for or communicating what you really want…help you? Well, let’s brainstorm some possibilities…

Maybe it’s scary to ask for what you really want because maybe you’ll get it, and maybe you won’t. Maybe you’re scared to actually get what you really want, because it will be so new, you won’t even know what to do with yourself. Maybe you judge yourself for wanting certain things in the first place and that little inner dis-empowering voice yells “hey limbo girl, you are ridiculous and you ask for too much!” Ya, that voice sucks. Maybe you have fear that when and if you actually get what you want, it won’t really be that good anyway and you’ll be disappointed.

Maybe you’re addicted to not getting what you want and what you need, so you (unconsciously) seek out relationships that you know you won’t get what you need….because you don’t know any other way. Think back to some of your other relationships…Hm. Maybe? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. So many possibilities. The point is…you’re getting something out of this.

The thing about red flags is that we think they say “danger, do not proceed” but when we avoid them and get into sticky relationship situations, those red flags turn into big juicy green flags…leading us into our deepest core issues. Ugh, I know… fun times. Therapists love red flags…it’s like a secret trap door to your inner gold.

As soon as that red flag flew and you agreed to a second date, your inner world knew exactly what it was doing honey. This isn’t about wanting marriage and kids, or an inner clock, or any of those details… I sense that this is about your discomfort around really getting what you want, and your fear of disappointment. Reason I think that… Because it seems like by being with this man, you don’t have to risk your deepest dreams ever being a disappointment, ‘cause they aren’t part of the plan. And no one wants disappointment. It’s one of the worst feelings ever. Ever. So we do whatever we can to avoid it. I don’t know your inner workings love, but it seems to me that asking for what you really want and risking disappointment is scarier for you, than settling for what comes close.

So, now that you are curled in a ball either red with anger or with mascara running down your gorgeous face, let me just say this… That red flag that you are judging yourself for ignoring is turning out to be one of the most amazing opportunities of your life. You get to grow infinitely.

Let’s be clear… I’m not telling you to break up with your boyfriend. I’m saying, begin to ask yourself how being in this relationship is serving you? How is it enabling you to stay in your comfort zone? How is it helping you to not have to take risks you haven’t felt ready to take. Explore your relationship with disappointment. Explore your relationship with joy. And when you’re ready to embrace both of those things, begin to ask…clearly and strongly ask… for what you really want.

Love love loveeeee,

We have this funny on-again off-again relationship with reality. Ya, reality. Reality is lovable and acceptable and attractive when things are happening in a way that pleases us, makes us happy, makes us feel like things are going our way. But when reality isn’t behaving how we wish it would, we fight it, and we fight it until we convince ourselves that we’ve won. But we know better…

The thing about reality is that it always wins. No matter what. Ya, I know, I’m sorry darling. We can’t fight it, though we sure do put forth a ton of effort trying. Think about how much time and energy you’ve put into trying to make a situation that’s happening, not happen-or vice versa. Think about how much emotion you’ve spent on a phone that isn’t ringing… that just isn’t, or a person that isn’t treating you right…they just aren’t, or a credit card bill that just isn’t disappearing…it’s just not. Reality is a bitch sometimes, it’s the truth. But it’s not going anywhere. So, now what?

Now we talk about what happens when we fight reality and how it’s messing us up… and then we come clean so we can move forward, sans the baggage my loves, sans the baggage.

How we fight reality…we go into denial, and we attempt to negotiate a deal that will land us in a better situation. That’s what we do. And props to denial because sometimes it truly does help to keep us safe…safe and sound from facing things that tend to be pretty ugly. Do you really want to face the fact that that person isn’t that into you or that the job you have isn’t your true passion and you’ve known it from the start or that the way you’ve been using and abusing money is sending you into a crappy place but you just keep on going… um, no. No one wants to face that stuff…so denial is there to save the day! Yay! Except…

Except denial is a short term solution. Denial is a trick…it tells us that we’ll feel better, and free, and we won’t have to look at such icky things…good times. But once you inch into denial far enough, you’re further and further from the truth, the authentic reality, so the journey back is that much longer. So, it’s messing us up. Because like I said, reality always wins, and at some point gorgeous, the journey back from the land of denial into reality is going to take place. I know, not what you wanted to hear. But it’s, well, the reality of it.

So, as you sit in front of your computer screen reading these words and you start to wonder, “what am I in denial about?” Then keep going, keep asking, get curious… you’re on the right track, you’re so there. Love it! There is no one to answer to, no one to prove it to, no one to justify yourself to… other than you. So keep going and keep asking and get curious all over again. And then again. And again. Come clean… or at least start the process.

Denial is seductive. It tells us what we want to hear and no matter how strong we are, we succumb to its call. So break it of. Break off the relationship you have with denial. Mourn, cry, be sad… ‘cause every time a relationship ends, no matter how messed up it is, it’s sad. But once you’re ready, take a big deep breath and revisit the on-again off-again relationship you have with reality. And give it another go.

And that’s the thing about reality.

Love,

Respect is a word constantly in the airwaves, regularly thrown around, and continuously repeated in any situation a person feels they deserve, well, respect. Respect is also a word often taken at face value with no definition attached, to the point of, in my opinion, a fault. So, in the spirit of being on my soapbox and scooping out the meaning of things until there’s nothing left to scoop…I want to give a little tutorial… a little mini-lesson if you will… on the big-heavy-could be amazing if we actually knew what it meant and used it properly-word, respect. So, with respect, here I go…

There are two parts to the word Respect. “re” and “spect”. Let’s start with “re”.

“Re” is a prefix meaning ‘again’ or ‘again and again’, suggesting repetition. Easy enough.

“Spect” can be found in many words, for example spectacle meaning a show, display or vision. Also spectacles referring to eyeglasses or goggles. Another is spectacular; dazzling, astonishing, or breathtaking. And my favorite, spectator. One who is a viewer, watcher, observer or witness. One can conclude that “spect” is included only in words that refer to looking, seeing, observing, and such.

So, respect really means: to see, again and again. Huh. Imagine that. And all this time we thought we knew what we were talking about.

The thing about respect is that its power lies in the pause…the wonder, interest, and curiosity about another human being (or plant, or animal, or earth, or thing, or or or). Respect is not about being nice to someone, taking them more seriously, or having unfounded admiration based on physical appearance, job status, age, race, religion, ethnicity… or anything in between. It’s actually about seeing someone…past it all, looking deeper at who they are, hearing what they’re really saying, learning where they’re really coming from, paying attention what they’re about…again and again…and again. Until maybe, just maybe you get it a little bit…enough to confidently say, “I respect you”.

So darlings, I ask you… Stop, look, and listen. Wonder about the words you’re using…and why. Wonder about the people around you. Plan to respect someone only if you are prepared to find out who they really are, and kindly embrace their human-being-ness. And then, the best part… gracefully cock your head to the side and wonder about who you really are… again and again. Respect yourselves my dears. And love it every second of it.

And that’s the thing about respect.

Love,