One of the most important things my ex-boyfriend said to me during our relationship was “I can’t be your boyfriend, and your girlfriends.” I had no idea he was so deep, hence our breakup, but as it turns out that lesson stuck with me…

So often we look to our partners to fulfill everything, all of our needs, all of our wants, all of our all of our. That’s a tall frikin’ order, don’t you think? Putting that kind of expectation on one human being is overwhelming to even think about. The expectation to be everything all folded into one body is not only a bummer for the person who is supposed to be super-human, but dangerous for the person placing the expectations as well.

The thing about expecting everything from one person is that it’s dangerous…dangerous because we are bound to be let down. And being let down because of expectations we created out of thin air all on our own…well that just sucks. I’m certainly not saying settle for a partner because no one can be that great anyway… Believe me, that’s not my stance. I do think amazing healthy juicy fabulous relationships are built on finding one ridiculously unbelievable person, being best friends and lovers and and and and… oh, and that too. But it’s important to think of life as a soup. With only 1 ingredient, well, that’s just bound to disappoint.

It’s healthy to add other ingredients into your world, into your life soup if you will. The base can be your relationship if that’s where you’re at on your path, or your yoga community or your kids or your mom… whatever is a fit for your world. But add some friends, some purpose, some hobbies. Join a knitting circle, volunteer, have stimulating conversations going on, coffee dates, and even that really scary overwhelming thing we call…solitude. Ya, even have some of that. Believe me, you’re everything person will thank you.

We don’t want anyone to look to us for all the answers, all the time. We don’t want to be 100% responsible for 1 person’s happiness and life purpose…that’s just way too much pressure. So why do we do it to our partners…or our 1 best friend…or our mom? One person just can’t do everything. But they love you either way. So, stir your soup darlings. Yes, it’s that important.

Love,

When Soapbox Therapy began, I made a rule for myself. I will post every day. I quickly realized that rule was completely unrealistic and outright ridiculous, as are many I tend to set for myself. It took moving through some major discomfort and working my inner-self-muscles- to finally listen to my gut, to my inner voice… and take a step back to a more realistic place.

So, a Tuesday/Thursday posting regimen began. I allowed myself to be real and took off my superwoman cape. It worked…for me. Then, it didn’t. Last week, life set itself up differently. Not better, not worse. Just a little different. So, again I found myself starring at my rules right in their ugly judgmental face. Ugh.

It got me thinking…what happens to us when the rules aren’t the right fit? Not only the rules we set up for ourselves (I will write a fabulous interesting post every Tuesday and Thursday for the rest of my life)…

But the rules the our dating-society set up for us (Your new boyfriend/girlfriend shalt be considered a “rebound” by all of your friends until the proper mourning time is provided after an ugly break up)…

And also the rules our material-society set up for us (you will have those jeans, or you are a fat ugly loser who doesn’t have it together…or you’re alternative)…just to name a few.

When we come in contact with a rule that just doesn’t feel right for us, we get stuck. Literally, it’s like either we follow the rules, or we become paralyzed with confusion and feel unsure and insecure and everything in between. It’s as if the rules, whether good or bad, help us to stay on an effortless road-a strait shoot, for so long. And while on that road, we don’t work the muscles of our inner voice, we don’t have conversations with it, we don’t check in. We just go. Blindly. So our ability to hear our inner voice gets weak, and our strength to trust it…even weaker. Sometimes, we forget that it’s even there. So sad.

And then…in comes a situation where the rule worked before, but now it makes your skin crawl. So Mr. or Mrs. Inner voice starts screaming your name like mad to get your frikin’ attention. “This rule isn’t working for meeeee, helloooooooo!!!!!” And then, you freeze. You don’t know what to do. You don’t know which direction to go. The scary truth: We trust the rules more than we trust ourselves.

Your inner voice is asking you to improvise. To create a new path…your path, and go with it. Yes, you need to get creative, listen carefully to your gut, and then proceed. A life that works takes work my loves… I know, shocking.

The thing about rules is that sometimes they don’t work and they need not be followed. And that’s OK. Maybe you meet your soul mate a few days after you break up with the partner you were with for what-seems-like-forever. And maybe that’s perfect… for you… with that person…at that moment. For example.

I’m not saying that all of society’s rules are simply wrong- I know that’s not the case. I’m saying, decide for yourself. And I’m not saying just forget it and let go and never do things you say you’re going to do cause your just not in the mood…or vise versa. I mean, have some integrity people, right?

I’m just saying that sometimes we say we’re going to do things, or not do things… and then that choice ends up feeling so utterly off that our inner voices start to scream and pray that we’ll quiet down the insane-obnoxious-paralyzing-judgment going on inside of ourselves long enough to listen…and shift.

So, get organized and get clear…ask yourself not only about the rules others set for you, that just don’t feel right—but ask yourself, “What are my rules?” … and then loosen up your grip and be prepared for the possibility that one day, you’ll throw them out the window. And maybe the next day you’ll go out, find them, and re-attach them to your best-self-reality. Who knows? Allow yourself to be fluid, be in the moment…be human.

And that’s the thing about rules.

Love,