Hiya, Brooke.

Thanks.
Last Child in Stone Ridge.

Dear Stone Ridge,

While I don’t know the “very long story” I can sense from your words how strongly you feel about this situation. Your brother and you are on the outs, with no interest on either side to reconcile… it is what it is. That being said, in order to maintain the relationships you do care about, it’s important to consider some other angles of this story…

So let’s just get right to it…

It’s one thing to be disconnected with your brother and not want him in your life. But you and he have something very much in common. A mother. Just like a divorced couple that has a child. In order to make life for that child the best it can be, some parents will go to the ends of the earth to be cordial and respect one another- for their kid. I think you can learn a lot from this model.

You may not need the updates on your brother and his family. This is true. But what’s also true is that your mom feels a need to give them. It’s her way of showing how bummed she is that you guys aren’t connected. She’s a mother of 7 children…and 2 of her kids don’t speak. I can’t imagine how painful that must be for her to experience. I’m definitely not saying you should reconnect with your brother because your mom is upset, but I do think that her passive messages are something to think about…

Ok…I think you get that part. Next part…

You wrote something very interesting and worth taking a look at. You wrote that if your mom moved in with your brother you would never get to talk to her again. Get? Hm.

Saying that you won’t ever get to talk with your mom again is basically like saying that you don’t have control over the communication, that you don’t have a choice, that someone else will be deciding for you. Totally dis-empowering darling! When it comes down to it, the only thing you get to do, is decide for yourself. My dear last child in stone ridge, it’s time to take your power back. You’ve given your feelings towards your brother all of the power. You’ve lost yourself in your emotions.

The thing about our emotions is that we own their efforts, their time, their power. They belong to us, and no one else. We call the shots. We get to choose where to spend our emotional energy, and where to conserve. Your anger towards your brother is yours… you get to decide what to do with it. You can let it come between you and your mother, or not.

Taking your power and your emotional energy back may look different to different people… but what I know for sure is what it won’t look like… it won’t look like you on the defense, as if things are being done to you. When you take your emotional energy back, you’ll have the freedom to talk to your mother, no matter where she calls home.

Lastly. You asked if this was something you should talk with your mom about. In my opinion, this is not your mom’s fish to fry. This is a decision that you have to make, because your emotions are yours and yours only. You have a choice regarding how you’re going to handle your anger and dislike towards your brother, and how you are going to make this about you rather than about your mom.

My hope for you Stone Ridge, is that just as you know that not speaking with your brother is your choice. Speaking with your mom is also your choice. You get… to choose.

Love,

Dear Brooke,

Love in limbo

Dear Limbo love,

There’s so much going on, and I want to support you in figuring out your present situation, But in order to do that, you gotta travel back. Travel back to the day when the red flag was unfolded and strung up to the flagpole for everyone and their mother to see. The day that you, you gorgeous, smart, capable woman… ignored it and ran from it like the frikin’ plague…and agreed to a second date.

As human beings, we never… I mean never… do things that don’t serve us in some way. I know, sounds confusing and a little crazy, but it’s true. We’re always acting on or acting out our issues– it’s the human condition. We’re incredibly intelligent emotional beings when it comes down to it. We know exactly what to do to get our needs met, even if it means suffering. When kids throw tantrums they’re really saying “see me, hear me, hello I need to be noticed!!” They get their need met. No matter how ugly it looks. So avoiding a red flag, when you seem to know exactly what you want, is a little tantrum of your inner world my love. It happened for a reason…it’s serving you…you’re getting your needs met. Sounds like you have a little addiction to not getting what you want. Un-furrow your brow doll face, I’ll explain…

How is being with someone who may have fundamentally different ideas of what life should look like than you do… serving you? How does not clearly asking for or communicating what you really want…help you? Well, let’s brainstorm some possibilities…

Maybe it’s scary to ask for what you really want because maybe you’ll get it, and maybe you won’t. Maybe you’re scared to actually get what you really want, because it will be so new, you won’t even know what to do with yourself. Maybe you judge yourself for wanting certain things in the first place and that little inner dis-empowering voice yells “hey limbo girl, you are ridiculous and you ask for too much!” Ya, that voice sucks. Maybe you have fear that when and if you actually get what you want, it won’t really be that good anyway and you’ll be disappointed.

Maybe you’re addicted to not getting what you want and what you need, so you (unconsciously) seek out relationships that you know you won’t get what you need….because you don’t know any other way. Think back to some of your other relationships…Hm. Maybe? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. So many possibilities. The point is…you’re getting something out of this.

The thing about red flags is that we think they say “danger, do not proceed” but when we avoid them and get into sticky relationship situations, those red flags turn into big juicy green flags…leading us into our deepest core issues. Ugh, I know… fun times. Therapists love red flags…it’s like a secret trap door to your inner gold.

As soon as that red flag flew and you agreed to a second date, your inner world knew exactly what it was doing honey. This isn’t about wanting marriage and kids, or an inner clock, or any of those details… I sense that this is about your discomfort around really getting what you want, and your fear of disappointment. Reason I think that… Because it seems like by being with this man, you don’t have to risk your deepest dreams ever being a disappointment, ‘cause they aren’t part of the plan. And no one wants disappointment. It’s one of the worst feelings ever. Ever. So we do whatever we can to avoid it. I don’t know your inner workings love, but it seems to me that asking for what you really want and risking disappointment is scarier for you, than settling for what comes close.

So, now that you are curled in a ball either red with anger or with mascara running down your gorgeous face, let me just say this… That red flag that you are judging yourself for ignoring is turning out to be one of the most amazing opportunities of your life. You get to grow infinitely.

Let’s be clear… I’m not telling you to break up with your boyfriend. I’m saying, begin to ask yourself how being in this relationship is serving you? How is it enabling you to stay in your comfort zone? How is it helping you to not have to take risks you haven’t felt ready to take. Explore your relationship with disappointment. Explore your relationship with joy. And when you’re ready to embrace both of those things, begin to ask…clearly and strongly ask… for what you really want.

Love love loveeeee,

Brooke,

bickering betty

Dear Bickering Betty,

I love love love this question…first of all because it describes what happens behind so many peoples closed doors–and I get all warm and fuzzy inside when I realize that this may just help someone, in addition to you, who is least expecting it… but I also love it because I get to use one of my favorite metaphors…the scratched record. Fun times. Here we go…

In the beginning of our life we are like a new record, all shiny and new, scratch free, playing smoothly without skipping or getting stuck, no matter what comes our way. Then, life happens. We have happy joyful delicious times, and we have frustrating hurtful painful times. Sometimes the painful times create a big lasting scratch in our record. Some scratches are deep…like, really deep.

What happens is this; if that deep scratch isn’t healed…we never talked about it, went to therapy, dealt with it… it becomes our default emotional landing.

What I mean is, as our record/life plays on, if the record player ever gets bumped- like something upsets us, ruffles us, etc.—we automatically get thrown right back to our deepest scratched spot- the painful memory, experience, or feeling. And being there is crappy. And scary. And uncomfortable. And we get angry. And even if the person, place, or thing that bumped the record player has nothing to do with the scratch, they get the heat for it.

So now that I may have thoroughly confused you… let’s relate this to your situation and put this metaphor to work.

Let’s use your husband hating your sister as our example. I don’t know him or his life story, but what I sense is that he’s a human being who has gone through stuff- life, family, etc. and something affected him in at some point that he has yet to deal with and put to rest-maybe major, maybe minor, but created a scratch nonetheless. And that scratch is still there.

Your sister happens to be a person who bumps your husbands record player…she triggers him, activates him, reminds him of (unconsciously) and makes him feel the feelings that live in the deep scratch in his record. Then he’s uncomfortable, and get’s angry.

After enough bumps, your sister became the face of his frustration-like an ad campaign. Every time you think of Subway you think, Jared, the Subway guy, ya? So every time he feels frustrated he thinks… my sister-in-law, the frustrating girl. Not so fair, but true and totally normal.

Are you still with me? This is a lot. Take a deep breath. Let’s keep going…

When you and your hubby are deciding about a movie, for example, he may feel frustrated. And now, your sister is the representative of frustration. So she get’s brought into the mix. Bummer.

So here’s the play by play. First, you get scratched at some point in your life. The scratch is deep, and it’s easy to fall back into it. Then, you meet someone who bumps you… something about them just activates you and for some reason leads you fall into the icky feelings all over again…

Then, you decide you hate them. Because they bump you into a place and into feelings you don’t like experiencing.

The thing about hate is that when you feel it towards another person, it’s the universe sending you a message, telling you it’s time to look within…and get curious. We don’t hate others…we really don’t. Hating others isn’t part of our natural makeup…what we hate are the feelings that come up as a response to certain people or groups. For example, we don’t like feeling afraid, so we hate those who scare us. We don’t like feeling insecure, so we hate those who make us question ourselves. We don’t like feeling unsafe, so we hate those who threaten our safety, etc.

Feeling hate is a huge gift…that is, if you are willing to unwrap it. If you discover where your feelings of hate towards another human being come from… well then you are a frikin’ winner. You get to grow. You get to become more accountable. You get to become more mature, gracious, self aware, and kind. I get chills even thinking about it.

Hating another person or group and then taking a step back and wondering about yourself and where that hatred might be coming from–and taking responsibility for those emotions. Ugh, I mean, that’s world peace according to me. So delish I can’t stand it.

My response isn’t about why your sister or his dad bumped either of you in the first place. That’s a whole other story. That’s something that I can’t speak to-I don’t have enough information. It’s your box to unpack, preferably with a therapist individually or as a couple.

What is it about them that makes you both so heated? What don’t you like to feel that they bring out in you…and where did it come from? So many possibilities…

My amazing-loving-bickering-human through and through-darling…I could squeeze you right now I’m so happy. Do you realize what just happened? You had a hand in possibly inspiring not only yourself, but another person reading this post think about themselves, their past, life, relationships, hatred…in a new light.

Now go put your favorite record on, and breathe through the bumps, the scratches, and dance to every gorgeous song along the way…madly, deeply, joyfully.

Love love love,