Dear Brooke,

Thanks,
Guilty Jew

Dear you gorgeous guilty love,

I’m just gonna jump right in…My first question is: What does it mean to raise your kids Jewish? What does it mean to you? I hear phrases like this all the time… “I want to raise my kids Jewish” or “My family wants us to raise our kids Jewish” So many people throw around words like this and decide things like how to raise their kids without really thinking about what it actually means. No wonder things can get so confusing…

The thing about labels is that they mean different things to different people. In order to responsibly use a label, we need to know what it means in our own hearts. Raising my kids “successful” for example, is going to mean something different to me as to you. Success is subjective, and so is Religion. Saying you want to raise your kids “Jewish” is more ambiguous than you know… In todays modern-beautiful-diverse-spiritually-curious society religion has almost more definitions than love.

When you promise to raise your kids with a label that you yourself haven’t even defined yet as a family, as a couple, what does that promise really mean? So, I’m going to ask you to define it…for you.

Sit down with your sweet hubby and each have a piece of paper. On the top of yours, write: “Raising my kids Jewish means…” the paper will have a list that includes or doesn’t include things like, having a bar/bat mitzvah, having a briss, lighting candles on Friday night and having dinner as a family, going to Hebrew school, celebrating high holidays, referring to complaining as “kvetching” and heavy sweating as “schvitzing”… are you thinking orthodox, conservative, reform, kabbalistic/mystical, or Secular Yiddish word using Jew? Ahh, the possibilities. On the top of his write “Raising my kids Catholic means” and have him do the same exercise.

Then, sit down as a family. You and him…and talk about it. Why is that particular tradition or ceremony important to you? Is it to satisfy your grandfather and the ambiguous promise you made to your other relatives…or is it because it makes you cry with joy even thinking about including it in your life? What compromises are each of you willing to make? How can you hold and respect one another’s history…and how can you instill that respect into your children?

Share with your partner, and hear from him. Talk, discuss, and deliberately and responsibly build your foundation as Mr. and Mrs. Not-so-guilty-anymore Jew. If you are the artsy creative type, you can even make a final draft of the family traditions that you want to start with and post it in your home to remind both of you of this conversation and experience, and to have accountability within your partnership.

Just a little PS. If you have something like “go to services every Friday night”… don’t wait until your kids arrive. If it’s that important to you, start now (or continue), with your family of 2.

You can also do this exercise, and I recommend it, with non-religious traditions. This will give you and your man a great opportunity to build an even stronger foundation and family.

No matter how many promises you made to whoever you made them to…when it comes down to it, your kids are going to be a little bit of you, a little bit of the Mr. and a lot a bit of themselves. You can’t pretend that your Catholic husband, who you love through and through, and his family traditions just simply don’t exist-and you know that. You can inspire your kids and give them a foundation but eventually they are going to take the path that feels right in their own hearts.

Your struggle is so beautiful… it shows how much you love and respect your husband as well as yourself. Seeing that will be more valuable to your children than anything else…I promise.

Love,

Dear Brooke,

Thanks,
Utterly Confused.

My Darling Confused,

What are we really talking about here? Loss. OK, get some tissue because the loss of your mom has a lot to do with all of this. Here we go.

You are looking for a partner, not a mother. A good mother (using your quote about your ex) “genuinely cares about your successes and failures and listens to you when you need to vent, and does nice things for you, and is a grown up, etc. etc…” a good partner is and does those things too, but is also someone you can have fun with, laugh with, and grow with…oh, and hopefully you want to have sex with too, but you knew that.

It seems like this guy was a great parental figure for you (you even said he made you feel old!), and filled a much needed space for you at the time. He’s not a bad person…he’s just not your person.

This sadness and confusion you feel is so right on, so appropriate, so perfect. Let me explain…

Every time you have a loss, a little piece of the emotion you felt when you lost your mother will come to surface. For you, loss=losing mom. So, losing a boyfriend=a little bit of losing mom. It’s just the way we work…and it sucks sometimes, no matter how smart our inner worlds are.

Our emotions take every opportunity they can to release what our brains and hearts have been holding onto. This is nothing short of an amazing opportunity for you. So it’s time for you, beautiful woman, to do some work on your relationship….with loss.

The thing about loss is that so many people who lose a loved one look everywhere to try and replace that person in some way, usually without even knowing that they’re doing it, and they end up with someone who’s not even close to everything they want or need.

It seems you’re smart enough to know that although you have not fully (no such thing really) moved through the loss of your mother, you’re still not looking to replace her. You get it. If you didn’t get it, you would still be dating that nice guy who happens to make you feel old and stagnant and isn’t everything you are looking for. You would have settled to be with someone who gave you some mom-taking-care-of-you energy and filled the empty space. But, you broke it off… so you get it. Congratulations, you’re an emotionally developed star.

And by the way…Of course you are confused between being committed and being single. It’s natural to want a relationship, you’re human. But you went through such a profound loss that it’s no wonder you don’t ever really want to fall into attachment, for fear of losing again. Utterly confused…ya, makes perfect sense.

Loss is not fun. Neither is settling for someone not right for you for all the wrong reasons. My advice: Go through the loss. Feel it. Think about your mom. Grieve. Respect the challenge. Be sad. Be sad. And then be sad a little more. Oh, and then be sad more. And cry a lot. Like, a ton. Realize that you have a relationship with loss that is unique to you and you get to take as long as you want to work on it. And when you’re ready, begin your healthy relationship…with loss.

Emerge into the world one layer stronger, with more tools in your life-box. And then embrace the loving space in your heart that belongs to your mom and honor her by not trying to replace her. One day, you’ll find a person to love who loves you right back, and you’ll be with them truly-madly-deeply, with a little less fear that you will lose them, and a little more comfort in the possibility that you might.

Love Love,