When Soapbox Therapy began, I made a rule for myself. I will post every day. I quickly realized that rule was completely unrealistic and outright ridiculous, as are many I tend to set for myself. It took moving through some major discomfort and working my inner-self-muscles- to finally listen to my gut, to my inner voice… and take a step back to a more realistic place.

So, a Tuesday/Thursday posting regimen began. I allowed myself to be real and took off my superwoman cape. It worked…for me. Then, it didn’t. Last week, life set itself up differently. Not better, not worse. Just a little different. So, again I found myself starring at my rules right in their ugly judgmental face. Ugh.

It got me thinking…what happens to us when the rules aren’t the right fit? Not only the rules we set up for ourselves (I will write a fabulous interesting post every Tuesday and Thursday for the rest of my life)…

But the rules the our dating-society set up for us (Your new boyfriend/girlfriend shalt be considered a “rebound” by all of your friends until the proper mourning time is provided after an ugly break up)…

And also the rules our material-society set up for us (you will have those jeans, or you are a fat ugly loser who doesn’t have it together…or you’re alternative)…just to name a few.

When we come in contact with a rule that just doesn’t feel right for us, we get stuck. Literally, it’s like either we follow the rules, or we become paralyzed with confusion and feel unsure and insecure and everything in between. It’s as if the rules, whether good or bad, help us to stay on an effortless road-a strait shoot, for so long. And while on that road, we don’t work the muscles of our inner voice, we don’t have conversations with it, we don’t check in. We just go. Blindly. So our ability to hear our inner voice gets weak, and our strength to trust it…even weaker. Sometimes, we forget that it’s even there. So sad.

And then…in comes a situation where the rule worked before, but now it makes your skin crawl. So Mr. or Mrs. Inner voice starts screaming your name like mad to get your frikin’ attention. “This rule isn’t working for meeeee, helloooooooo!!!!!” And then, you freeze. You don’t know what to do. You don’t know which direction to go. The scary truth: We trust the rules more than we trust ourselves.

Your inner voice is asking you to improvise. To create a new path…your path, and go with it. Yes, you need to get creative, listen carefully to your gut, and then proceed. A life that works takes work my loves… I know, shocking.

The thing about rules is that sometimes they don’t work and they need not be followed. And that’s OK. Maybe you meet your soul mate a few days after you break up with the partner you were with for what-seems-like-forever. And maybe that’s perfect… for you… with that person…at that moment. For example.

I’m not saying that all of society’s rules are simply wrong- I know that’s not the case. I’m saying, decide for yourself. And I’m not saying just forget it and let go and never do things you say you’re going to do cause your just not in the mood…or vise versa. I mean, have some integrity people, right?

I’m just saying that sometimes we say we’re going to do things, or not do things… and then that choice ends up feeling so utterly off that our inner voices start to scream and pray that we’ll quiet down the insane-obnoxious-paralyzing-judgment going on inside of ourselves long enough to listen…and shift.

So, get organized and get clear…ask yourself not only about the rules others set for you, that just don’t feel right—but ask yourself, “What are my rules?” … and then loosen up your grip and be prepared for the possibility that one day, you’ll throw them out the window. And maybe the next day you’ll go out, find them, and re-attach them to your best-self-reality. Who knows? Allow yourself to be fluid, be in the moment…be human.

And that’s the thing about rules.

Love,

Dear Brooke,

Love,
Living in Chicago, while my heart is in New York

Dear my sweet sweet Chi-Town love,

So first and foremost, I can visualize your googly eyes and smitten smile from here. You seem very much in love. So yummy. So delish.

One of the things that I promise to my readers, and to you, is that I will never pretend to know what I don’t know. I’m fabulously human, and proud of it. Nothing is black and white. Every situation has color, texture, and feelings that are different from the next, different from the rest. Every relationship is different. That being said…

I don’t know Jake. I love that he’s being honest about his present feelings and limitations, but I can’t tell you why he doesn’t want to move to Chicago. Maybe it’s his age, or the city, or his readiness for an intense commitment? Maybe he just loves his life in NYC and wants you to be in it…there? Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Would he be willing to let the relationship end if you weren’t willing to move? I don’t have that information. I don’t know why he feels guilty for letting you come to him, and what that’s all about. All questions to be curious about. All things to consider asking. Soon.

But for right now… even though you may think that all of those details matter, they really don’t. Let me explain…

My hope for you my love is that you can get quiet with yourself and listen. Listen to that inner voice that we all have. Some may think it’s fluff, but I say with confidence, if you don’t think you have an inner voice, well, then your just not listening.

What do you really feel? Do you really feel that Jake doesn’t love you as much as you love him? Do you really feel that you’re the weaker link in this relationship because you are willing to compromise and try something new? Do you really feel like you love this person enough to take a chance, to take a risk? Do you really feel like Chicago has a no return policy?

Speaking of feeling…we don’t do it enough. We think too much. Sometimes all of our thoughts are on the prom dance floor twirling around, having a blast, and our feelings are sitting on the side, wishing someone would invite them in.

I can’t tell you what to do. I can’t make any decision for you. But I can give you this challenge: Feel about it for a while, pause on the thinking about it part. When you come to your deepest gut feeling, when your inner voice catches your attention…be there for a while. Then think. Job, housing, money, realistic, whatever. But for right now, just feel about it.

Any decision you make is yours. You own it. Choose to allow that decision to empower you. Don’t let it be about “giving in”. Compromise is not a sign of weakness, contrary to popular belief. If you decide to move, you’re not moving because he won’t, you’re moving because you are choosing to. I know this may not be what you wanted to hear. You wanted the answer, right? Sorry gorgeous. It lives in you, not me. You already got the goods my dear.

So here it is. The thing about long distance relationships is that there is no one thing about long distance relationships. Every relationship is different. Thank goodness. The reason someone moves or doesn’t, the reason the relationship works or doesn’t…different every time. The only person who knows what to do, what the next step is… is the person in it, feeling it. And in this case sweet thing, it’s you.

Congratulations, you get to be in charge of your life.

Love,

The thing about me is that I’m an opinion person. I have opinions about, well, pretty much everything. I’d love to say that I’m always right, but I know I’m not, and that’s what makes me human.

My passion is voicing my opinions. The best moments are when, in doing so, I make someone think…just a little bit differently than they did before. Maybe with more openness, more humility, or maybe just a little less self judgment and hatred. Call me humanitarian.

As a kid, my best friends were a large rock in front of my house, my Tiffany tape which covered hits such as “I Think We’re Alone Now”, and my mom (priming me for co-dependence and enmeshment issues, but more on that another time).

My kindergarten teacher Mrs. Zilkie thought I was the best thing since sliced bread, and told people to “watch out for Brooke, she is going to make something of herself.” A year later in first grade, I got stuck in a bathroom stall and thought I was going to die there…so much for making something of myself. It was the first and only time in my life that I didn’t speak up. I didn’t yell or scream. I just sat there and hoped someone would come, someone would find me, rescue me. But as it turns out, you have to speak to be heard, who knew?

And that’s why I’m here, doing this Soapbox thing. This is a space for you to speak up, ask for help, be heard, and listen. It’s a space for me to help you out—this is after all, what I do for a living. And I love talking. My therapist friends call me an “extroverted thinker”– basically a really nice way of saying that I put it all out there. And they’ve also told me I’m smart. So I’m going with it… I’m not only saying, but writing what I think. And being smart about it.

So speak up, be heard, and listen…lets see what happens.

And that’s the thing about me.

love,