Dear Brooke,

Love in limbo

Dear Limbo love,

There’s so much going on, and I want to support you in figuring out your present situation, But in order to do that, you gotta travel back. Travel back to the day when the red flag was unfolded and strung up to the flagpole for everyone and their mother to see. The day that you, you gorgeous, smart, capable woman… ignored it and ran from it like the frikin’ plague…and agreed to a second date.

As human beings, we never… I mean never… do things that don’t serve us in some way. I know, sounds confusing and a little crazy, but it’s true. We’re always acting on or acting out our issues– it’s the human condition. We’re incredibly intelligent emotional beings when it comes down to it. We know exactly what to do to get our needs met, even if it means suffering. When kids throw tantrums they’re really saying “see me, hear me, hello I need to be noticed!!” They get their need met. No matter how ugly it looks. So avoiding a red flag, when you seem to know exactly what you want, is a little tantrum of your inner world my love. It happened for a reason…it’s serving you…you’re getting your needs met. Sounds like you have a little addiction to not getting what you want. Un-furrow your brow doll face, I’ll explain…

How is being with someone who may have fundamentally different ideas of what life should look like than you do… serving you? How does not clearly asking for or communicating what you really want…help you? Well, let’s brainstorm some possibilities…

Maybe it’s scary to ask for what you really want because maybe you’ll get it, and maybe you won’t. Maybe you’re scared to actually get what you really want, because it will be so new, you won’t even know what to do with yourself. Maybe you judge yourself for wanting certain things in the first place and that little inner dis-empowering voice yells “hey limbo girl, you are ridiculous and you ask for too much!” Ya, that voice sucks. Maybe you have fear that when and if you actually get what you want, it won’t really be that good anyway and you’ll be disappointed.

Maybe you’re addicted to not getting what you want and what you need, so you (unconsciously) seek out relationships that you know you won’t get what you need….because you don’t know any other way. Think back to some of your other relationships…Hm. Maybe? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. So many possibilities. The point is…you’re getting something out of this.

The thing about red flags is that we think they say “danger, do not proceed” but when we avoid them and get into sticky relationship situations, those red flags turn into big juicy green flags…leading us into our deepest core issues. Ugh, I know… fun times. Therapists love red flags…it’s like a secret trap door to your inner gold.

As soon as that red flag flew and you agreed to a second date, your inner world knew exactly what it was doing honey. This isn’t about wanting marriage and kids, or an inner clock, or any of those details… I sense that this is about your discomfort around really getting what you want, and your fear of disappointment. Reason I think that… Because it seems like by being with this man, you don’t have to risk your deepest dreams ever being a disappointment, ‘cause they aren’t part of the plan. And no one wants disappointment. It’s one of the worst feelings ever. Ever. So we do whatever we can to avoid it. I don’t know your inner workings love, but it seems to me that asking for what you really want and risking disappointment is scarier for you, than settling for what comes close.

So, now that you are curled in a ball either red with anger or with mascara running down your gorgeous face, let me just say this… That red flag that you are judging yourself for ignoring is turning out to be one of the most amazing opportunities of your life. You get to grow infinitely.

Let’s be clear… I’m not telling you to break up with your boyfriend. I’m saying, begin to ask yourself how being in this relationship is serving you? How is it enabling you to stay in your comfort zone? How is it helping you to not have to take risks you haven’t felt ready to take. Explore your relationship with disappointment. Explore your relationship with joy. And when you’re ready to embrace both of those things, begin to ask…clearly and strongly ask… for what you really want.

Love love loveeeee,

Dear Brooke,

Thanks for “listening”,
Frustrated Dad

Dear Frustrated Dad,

I really could write a response to so many different parts of your letter, it’s almost overwhelming for me to even attempt. I’m truly flattered and overjoyed that you wrote… because I think this will be an amazing lesson for so many people. Thank you for being the guinea pig… There is huge potential here for you to become unbelievably stronger after this… and a better dad. The truth is, this dynamic happens way more often than people realize.

OK, I’m just gonna go for it. I hope you’re sitting. Digest this as you will…

It seems that the thing you dislike most about your daughter and being around her is that she reminds you of the past. She reminds you of the feelings you had when you were in your unhappy marriage. She reminds you of the life that you were so overjoyed to leave behind. But guess what… you don’t get to leave it fully behind…if you want to be an accountable, responsible adult that is.

You don’t get to fall out of love with the woman you made a child with, and then expect that child to be nothing like, have nothing to do with, or remind you nothing… of her mother. You are trying to say…’never mind, I want a do-over’, and my love, that’s just not part of the deal. You divorced your daughter’s mother, your daughter didn’t. She gets to remain connected. At whatever level she wants. That’s her mother.

At ten years old, three when her parents got divorced, it’s not her responsibility to be nothing like her mother. To not need her mother. It’s your responsibility, as an adult, and as her father… to learn to separate your feelings towards your first marriage, with the feelings you have towards your daughter. She doesn’t deserve to be the container for your past and the negative feelings you associate with it. She gets to be separate. She is not her mother, no matter how much she reminds you of her. She is not your first marriage, no matter how much she reminds you of it. She is a human being that you helped create. She is Jane.

Your opinion that she has “atrocious” clothing and makes your guests “uncomfortable” when calling her mother at dinner… Your wife’s “embarrassment” of your daughter or her particular hair style…well my darling dad… this is all about your judgment…in general, and of your past and of your ex. You don’t want your past creeping up into your nice pretty new package of a life. I know, harsh… I just care about ya too much to let you do this. You feel unhappy that your daughter “sticks out” when you are a family because, well, you don’t really see her as part of your new family, as part of your present life, do you? You look at her, and you see your ex. And that’s just not fair. Get it? I think you get it.

A moment for a breath, or an OMMM, or whatever you need… OK, moving on…

This is a kid who was three years old when her parents got divorced… so I’m going to give you a itsy bitsy mini lesson about what happens, when that happens…

The thing about a kid whose parents get divorced is that they are fractured. A kid whose parents get divorced is living on the fault line of an earthquake all the time. Like, all the time. They feel unsafe. They feel insecure. They wonder if they should have ever been born…after all, their parents want to move on, right?

Divorce rocks a kid’s world. And then, that’s what they know. They know things fall apart without understanding why. They know instability. They know going from family to family, house to house. They know what falling out of love looks like. They know not feeling like they really belong anywhere. They know that their parents, the people that made them, don’t love each other any more, and might not even like each other anymore. Ugh. What a crappy feeling.

What your daughter saw and understood about life, from a very early age is that, you can’t control it… no matter how hard you try, no matter how bad you want to. You can’t stop the earthquake. She always feels unsafe. Anything anyone can do to make her feel loved, welcome, secure, SAFE… she’ll take it. Even if it means latching onto mom or making sure there are no peanuts in the cake.

PS. There is NO divorce manual, so no one ever expected you to know all of this. That’s again, why I’m so glad you wrote. Go you, you trying-to-figure-it all-out-man, you. I feel proud of you already. And… there is major hope and possibility for good delicious change.

OK, let’s recap (this was a long one)… First. Jane=Jane. Not past, not ex wife. Second. Jane’s mom=Jane’s mom. No matter what you think of her, she is still Jane’s mommy. Don’t take that mother-daughter bond away…please please please. It’s just too important- and yes, it will grow and change and develop as time passes. Three. Jane=a kid whose parents got divorced and when her dad fell out of love with her mom, he accidentally fell a little out of love with her, and on some level, she knows it. Yuck. And four. You= man with amazing potential to be a wonderful father to all your children. It’s time.

My advice: Has your daughter been in therapy since the divorce? She needs to be. She really does. Why? Because she needs help to process all of her feelings and all of her fractures so she can have a life where she feels safe and loved and knows how to have healthy relationships in her future.

And Sir Dad… I would love to see you in therapy also. Family therapy. Personal therapy. Why? Because it will help you make sense of it all. It will help you hold all of this confusion. It will help you see your daughter for who she is, and who she isn’t. It will help you become a more well rounded, whole, open, and understanding person who really gets it. It’s an investment and it’s worth it. Your wife should go too. She needs to get it also. Email me at soapboxtherapy@gmail.com and let me know the area where you live. I’ll help you get on the path of finding a therapist. Yes, it means that much to me.

Your family and all of its beautiful parts has such potential to be strong… functional… and a deep source of joy for all of you. I feel so blessed to be part of your journey. Now, go hug your daughter. Tight. Like, really tight.

Love love love,