Dear Brooke,

-Stuck

Dear Stuck,

You are so brave and fabulous for writing in, admitting your indiscretions, and reaching out. Thank you for you. Before I even begin to respond to your amazing and important question, I want to apologize and ask for your forgiveness.

The reason: I’m not really going to answer your question in the way you were hoping. Why? Because you only gave me 2 options: First, settle with the new guy or second, get your husband back. From where I’m sitting my love, neither jumps out as something that will serve you and your wonderful self in the long run.

So even though I’m not going to choose one of your stated options and tell you how to flawlessly carry out a perfect “get my life back to happy, and fast” plan, I do in fact have some ideas, feedback, and hopefully some bits of guidance for you…go figure.

To start off; being with your husband sounds like a beautiful idea, if it makes sense…in the future (I’m a fan of joyful and psychologically conscious marriages). But before you even think about trying to participate in your marriage or get your husband back, my advice is…get yourself back.

And on that note, here we go…

Stuck darling, first things first: It’s immensely important that you rebuild a certain relationship that is without a doubt, the most important relationship you will ever have…the one with yourself. Because from the sound of it, it seems that that relationship is missing for you, and causing all kinds of challenges. Let me explain…

Let’s set the stage. If you in fact truly-madly-deeply want your husband back right-now-this-very-moment, you would not be trying to have a relationship with another man…no matter what kind of requests your husband made regarding what you should or shouldn’t try. But the fact that you are trying things out with the other guy, even though you’re not happy with him, tells me a few things…

It tells me that you’re not a fan of being alone…you’re always looking for someone to have a relationship with. And surprise, that person you’re looking for is…yourself. It seems that when you can’t find yourself in your relationship, you go to another one to see if you just might be there.

And this, gorgeous, leads me to understand why the threat of being alone is so deeply scary to you that it has recently made you want to change your ways…because you don’t know who you are alone.

Darlin, your identity has become “stuck” as you’ve been consumed with the relationships in your life. The thing about being consumed with your relationships is that consumption results in a disappearance. Just as we consume food and then poof- it’s gone, when relationships consume us, we disappear.

This may seem like tough love, and all I know about you is what you wrote in your letter, but I say this to you with respect and support and delicious woman to woman female amazingness… my darling, the way to get un-stuck at this juncture in your life, is to scoop yourself out from under the relationships that have been defining you for so many years.

You have lost your definition stuck sweetie…your color has faded a bit in the midst of all of the relationships you’ve been in. So color yourself in, re-define your outlines. You said you were willing to go to therapy… I say go. Find out who you are, what you want, and why you want it…on your own.

I’m not saying don’t ever be with your husband again. But if you re-engage in your marriage too soon, I fear that your identity may get lost in your relationship again, and at some point you’ll be temped to go elsewhere to find yourself…leading you to cheat again.

Consider the possibility of being in a relationship with you for right now, no one else. If it’s right for you, you could send your husband a letter letting him know that you’re making a commitment to working on things. Let him know you have chosen not to be with this other person, but you have chosen to be with yourself so that you can be your best self, no matter what happens.

If you do choose to take this path of getting to know yourself and what you want, be prepared and patient. Prepare yourself for feelings that you haven’t felt before, feelings that have been tucked away under your relationships for so many years. Get support. Get support. And get more support. But not in the form of a boyfriend …in the form of a therapist or counselor, friends, hobbies, and interests. Feel what it feels to be you.

Considering you’ve been looking for yourself in your relationships…when your husband said to go be with that guy for a while, he may have not have known it at the time, but what he was really saying was take some time and go find yourself. ….and that sounds about right.

Love,

Dear Brooke,

Thanks,
Guilty Jew

Dear you gorgeous guilty love,

I’m just gonna jump right in…My first question is: What does it mean to raise your kids Jewish? What does it mean to you? I hear phrases like this all the time… “I want to raise my kids Jewish” or “My family wants us to raise our kids Jewish” So many people throw around words like this and decide things like how to raise their kids without really thinking about what it actually means. No wonder things can get so confusing…

The thing about labels is that they mean different things to different people. In order to responsibly use a label, we need to know what it means in our own hearts. Raising my kids “successful” for example, is going to mean something different to me as to you. Success is subjective, and so is Religion. Saying you want to raise your kids “Jewish” is more ambiguous than you know… In todays modern-beautiful-diverse-spiritually-curious society religion has almost more definitions than love.

When you promise to raise your kids with a label that you yourself haven’t even defined yet as a family, as a couple, what does that promise really mean? So, I’m going to ask you to define it…for you.

Sit down with your sweet hubby and each have a piece of paper. On the top of yours, write: “Raising my kids Jewish means…” the paper will have a list that includes or doesn’t include things like, having a bar/bat mitzvah, having a briss, lighting candles on Friday night and having dinner as a family, going to Hebrew school, celebrating high holidays, referring to complaining as “kvetching” and heavy sweating as “schvitzing”… are you thinking orthodox, conservative, reform, kabbalistic/mystical, or Secular Yiddish word using Jew? Ahh, the possibilities. On the top of his write “Raising my kids Catholic means” and have him do the same exercise.

Then, sit down as a family. You and him…and talk about it. Why is that particular tradition or ceremony important to you? Is it to satisfy your grandfather and the ambiguous promise you made to your other relatives…or is it because it makes you cry with joy even thinking about including it in your life? What compromises are each of you willing to make? How can you hold and respect one another’s history…and how can you instill that respect into your children?

Share with your partner, and hear from him. Talk, discuss, and deliberately and responsibly build your foundation as Mr. and Mrs. Not-so-guilty-anymore Jew. If you are the artsy creative type, you can even make a final draft of the family traditions that you want to start with and post it in your home to remind both of you of this conversation and experience, and to have accountability within your partnership.

Just a little PS. If you have something like “go to services every Friday night”… don’t wait until your kids arrive. If it’s that important to you, start now (or continue), with your family of 2.

You can also do this exercise, and I recommend it, with non-religious traditions. This will give you and your man a great opportunity to build an even stronger foundation and family.

No matter how many promises you made to whoever you made them to…when it comes down to it, your kids are going to be a little bit of you, a little bit of the Mr. and a lot a bit of themselves. You can’t pretend that your Catholic husband, who you love through and through, and his family traditions just simply don’t exist-and you know that. You can inspire your kids and give them a foundation but eventually they are going to take the path that feels right in their own hearts.

Your struggle is so beautiful… it shows how much you love and respect your husband as well as yourself. Seeing that will be more valuable to your children than anything else…I promise.

Love,