Hi Brooke,

–“Rebeka”

Dear Rebeka,

First of all, thank you so so much for your support of Soapbox Therapy! I’m so appreciative of your loyalty and readership. Even more so, I’m insanely proud of you for opening up, and am beyond thrilled that you feel safe writing in.

Though I’m not a sex therapist, since my recent column, the thing about relationships that are all about sex, I’ve been getting a ton of questions on the topic. Am I having too much sex, am I having too little, what’s wrong with me what’s wrong with him and her and us…for example. So, I’m choosing your question to respond to darlin, as the representative for some major food for thought and much needed light on such an important issue.

So, here we go…

Your particular question is jam packed with vital details, including your boyfriend’s psychological and physical wellbeing. But before you can wrap your beautiful emotional brain around the issues you described, I want to ask you to take an imperative first step: peel away the should, shed the supposed to, liberate yourself from judgment and begin to consider, embrace, and get to know your sexual appetite. Yes, really.

Judging and comparing and asking sexual appetite questions like am I normal and is this OK and enough and and and, is taking you away from the real and underlying issues. In order to give yourself and your relationship a fair shot at getting to the deeper stuff, consider this:

The thing about sexual appetite is that it’s no different than any other appetite. Think about the different foods, tastes, flavors, and quantity you eat. Is your appetite unique? Very. Judging your sexual appetite is like saying, “Wow, there must be something wrong with me. My propensity towards spicy food is really becoming an issue”. Should I want it more, should I want it less. Should my partner want it more or less or somewhere in between? Ugh, emotionally exhausting.

Everyone’s sexual appetite is unique, and comes from somewhere. Maybe someone, for example, had a horrible or amazing experience with sushi…so they never want it again, or they want it all the time. A taste for spicy, a sweet tooth, a big appetite, a not so big appetite, salty, savory, and hey, some people at certain times would just rather eat alone. Just sayin’. Get it? Sexual appetite=Different for everyone, for different reasons. Judgment= unnecessary. Books/articles telling you what and who and where and how much sex you’re supposed to have= don’t read them…ever.

Ok, moving on…

The good news is that you and your boyfriend seem to, when in a healthy state of mind, have similar sexual appetites, which is amazing and beautiful. The other news is that it seems his appetite has shifted significantly, which is a likely indicator that something deeper is going on.

Our appetites in general are directly impacted by our emotional state of mind. When you notice a friend just stops feeling hungry or is uncomfortable and overwhelmed by the thought of eating…a red flag is raised. This is similar. Sexual appetite often shifts when something is shifting inside of us.

From the explanation you gave of your boyfriend around this topic (thinking sex is messy, self sabotaging his physical health, performance anxiety) I’m led to believe he’s experiencing some inner emotional distress. (I’m not disregarding what might be going on physically, but I’m not a Doctor) Not knowing him or hearing from him directly, I have no place to diagnose anything…or even analyze him for that matter, any more than I already have. What I can do though, is support you…

My suggestion gorgeous: Take what you now know about sexual appetite, peel away the judgment and get grounded–then talk with your boyfriend. Let him know sex is not your focus right now, he is. His health is.

Consider and express your intentions in talking with him, be clear about your goals of the conversation. Tell him you’re worried about him, let him know how you feel as his girlfriend and how his health is affecting you, ask how you can be a support, use “I” statements, and give examples (his liver diagnosis and lack of proactive response).

Offer ideas and come up with a plan together for what’s next. You’re entering into the next stage of your relationship (living together) so it’s time for both of you to take on the responsibility of being an active participant in the relationship…a true partner. Be honest, authentic, and allow yourself to be vulnerable-doing this will give him the permission to do the same.

And follow up…this isn’t going to be one conversation, and it’s not about figuring out what’s wrong with him. It’s about inviting him to join you in signing up for your relationship on a new level…to support all three parts–the you, the him, and the “us”—to become strong and healthy.

Major tip: focusing the conversation on not having sex will undoubtedly stress him out. He may not be in a place where he understands the shift in his sexual appetite to be a symptom of other things. He may feel embarrassed, shameful, or judged, even though that’s not your intention. He may get defensive (when shame is confronted, defensiveness often follows). So…be kind and supportive, and don’t make sex the central focus.

My love, the whole point is…no matter how sweet or spicy things are in the bedroom, if you make this all about the quantity of sex you’re having in your relationship, you may just miss the mark…

Love,

Check out the latest “Cheeky Dear Abby” article on Cheeky Chicago…

Dear Brooke,

Thank you,
Pulled to the past

Dear Pulled to the past,

Can we have a virtual hug please? You are an amazing beautiful brave gorgeous woman who has been through so much in such a short time–I’m so deeply happy and honored that you wrote in.

From your letter I can tell that you’re extremely strong (like, with a cape on) and a super woman-wife-soon-to-be-mom-and-everything-in-between kind of person. It seems time for someone to not only remind you that you happen to be human, but to also explain a little bit about what that might mean…

First of all, the good news is that you’re having a completely appropriate response to completely inappropriate treatment. The frustrating news is that just because you wish and work the pain out of your mind and your heart, it doesn’t mean your body is on board.

Here’s the deal: Being cheated on is a traumatic event, period. Not sure what happened, how it went down, etc. but this is a trauma no doubt. And as amazing and complex as our human bodies are, they don’t digest trauma the same way that they digest the rest of life. Trauma is just a different story.

Side note: you didn’t think your ex cheating on you was a trauma? Check this out… (Wikipedia my love, Wikipedia): “Trauma can be caused by a wide variety of events, but there are a few common aspects. There is frequently a violation of the person’s familiar ideas about the world…putting the person in a state of extreme confusion and insecurity. This is also seen when people or institutions depended on for survival violate or betray or disillusion the person in some unforeseen way.”

So ya, glad we cleared that up.

The thing about trauma is that unlike other memories and experiences, it’s not only stored in your mind and in your heart…the body remembers it as well. Our bodies have their own memory, and when undigested trauma is triggered (hearing about the person, knowing friends are supporting them, etc.) your body is triggered as well.

You may think about the past and get pretty upset, maybe even talk about it and feel those negative feelings etc. but when that sick feeling, that pit in your stomach, the loss of feeling in your legs, shaking in your hands stuff comes…Ya, that’s your body being triggered, and remembering. That’s your body literally, yes literally, “re-living the past”.

It seems like you’ve put in some amazing emotional work into moving past this devastating event in your life. I want, need, crave that you do one more thing: while loving yourself to pieces and being beyond proud of how you’ve emotionally moved forward, I ask you to give yourself- and your body-permission to not be fully past this…you are a human being after all.

It doesn’t mean you still have feelings for your ex. It doesn’t mean you aren’t in love with the life you’ve worked so hard for, and have right now in your beautiful present world. It just means that your body is still processing, and like any human body in trauma, it needs extra time and extra support to digest.

Your body has been holding you together, and she has not let you down. She even allowed herself to become pregnant while in the midst of this digestion process. Amazing. Do me and yourself a favor and thank that incredible body of yours ever day. Love her. Appreciate her. Your heart isn’t the only one that’s been through the ringer.

So, we’ve established that the trauma is lodged in your body…this knowledge and understanding and knowing will take you far in your healing. I love to say, ‘once we figure out where it comes from, it doesn’t have such a hold on us’.

But, let’s get real. You want to know how to get rid of it, like now.

Though I don’t have a magic wand (it’s on my wish list, believe me), two things immediately come to my mind. First and foremost, I want and hope and will support you in any way I can to make sure you have a weekly therapist that you love love love. Email me so I can help find someone in your area if you haven’t already.

Second thing that comes to mind. EMDR. My wonderful and talented friend Jill McCall MFT who specializes in EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), says “EMDR helps to move traumatic memory along the neurological paths of information processing so that it is more fully-processed than before and can be re-stored in a non-traumatic way.” So, pretty much the goal, right? EMDR is an amazing therapeutic technique for working through a trauma of any size. I recommend learning more (check out more information here), and considering it as an option as you move forward in your healing.

The conclusion darling? Talk therapy, maybe EMDR if you’re down to try it, and most importantly…permission. Permission to be the strong woman you are. Permission to have multiple layers to yourself. Permission to have a heart and a mind and a body who have all been through a trauma and deal with it differently. Permission to let your heart be present, even in the moments your body shifts to the past. Permission to be human.

Love love love,

Dear Brooke,

-Stuck

Dear Stuck,

You are so brave and fabulous for writing in, admitting your indiscretions, and reaching out. Thank you for you. Before I even begin to respond to your amazing and important question, I want to apologize and ask for your forgiveness.

The reason: I’m not really going to answer your question in the way you were hoping. Why? Because you only gave me 2 options: First, settle with the new guy or second, get your husband back. From where I’m sitting my love, neither jumps out as something that will serve you and your wonderful self in the long run.

So even though I’m not going to choose one of your stated options and tell you how to flawlessly carry out a perfect “get my life back to happy, and fast” plan, I do in fact have some ideas, feedback, and hopefully some bits of guidance for you…go figure.

To start off; being with your husband sounds like a beautiful idea, if it makes sense…in the future (I’m a fan of joyful and psychologically conscious marriages). But before you even think about trying to participate in your marriage or get your husband back, my advice is…get yourself back.

And on that note, here we go…

Stuck darling, first things first: It’s immensely important that you rebuild a certain relationship that is without a doubt, the most important relationship you will ever have…the one with yourself. Because from the sound of it, it seems that that relationship is missing for you, and causing all kinds of challenges. Let me explain…

Let’s set the stage. If you in fact truly-madly-deeply want your husband back right-now-this-very-moment, you would not be trying to have a relationship with another man…no matter what kind of requests your husband made regarding what you should or shouldn’t try. But the fact that you are trying things out with the other guy, even though you’re not happy with him, tells me a few things…

It tells me that you’re not a fan of being alone…you’re always looking for someone to have a relationship with. And surprise, that person you’re looking for is…yourself. It seems that when you can’t find yourself in your relationship, you go to another one to see if you just might be there.

And this, gorgeous, leads me to understand why the threat of being alone is so deeply scary to you that it has recently made you want to change your ways…because you don’t know who you are alone.

Darlin, your identity has become “stuck” as you’ve been consumed with the relationships in your life. The thing about being consumed with your relationships is that consumption results in a disappearance. Just as we consume food and then poof- it’s gone, when relationships consume us, we disappear.

This may seem like tough love, and all I know about you is what you wrote in your letter, but I say this to you with respect and support and delicious woman to woman female amazingness… my darling, the way to get un-stuck at this juncture in your life, is to scoop yourself out from under the relationships that have been defining you for so many years.

You have lost your definition stuck sweetie…your color has faded a bit in the midst of all of the relationships you’ve been in. So color yourself in, re-define your outlines. You said you were willing to go to therapy… I say go. Find out who you are, what you want, and why you want it…on your own.

I’m not saying don’t ever be with your husband again. But if you re-engage in your marriage too soon, I fear that your identity may get lost in your relationship again, and at some point you’ll be temped to go elsewhere to find yourself…leading you to cheat again.

Consider the possibility of being in a relationship with you for right now, no one else. If it’s right for you, you could send your husband a letter letting him know that you’re making a commitment to working on things. Let him know you have chosen not to be with this other person, but you have chosen to be with yourself so that you can be your best self, no matter what happens.

If you do choose to take this path of getting to know yourself and what you want, be prepared and patient. Prepare yourself for feelings that you haven’t felt before, feelings that have been tucked away under your relationships for so many years. Get support. Get support. And get more support. But not in the form of a boyfriend …in the form of a therapist or counselor, friends, hobbies, and interests. Feel what it feels to be you.

Considering you’ve been looking for yourself in your relationships…when your husband said to go be with that guy for a while, he may have not have known it at the time, but what he was really saying was take some time and go find yourself. ….and that sounds about right.

Love,