April 22, 2010 @ 4:22 pm
The thing about sexual appetite…
Hi Brooke,
I discovered your blog through a friend whom I had lost contact with and rediscovered who happens to love your blog. And now I do too… so the cycle continues as I’ve got other friends hooked on your blog as well!
And now, I have a question… My boyfriend (of a year and half) and I just moved in together. I am very happy and love his wit and humor. But one thing lacks… our sex life. We never had sex all that often…even in the beginning of our relationship.
He’s kind of a “clean-a-phob” so to speak, and sex to him is just a mess not to mention we are busy. And as far as I’m concerned, I like sex but it isn’t my main focus. Until now, more or less, because we haven’t had sex in over 6 months.
He knows its an issue and such (and has spoken about making an appt with is gp)… but I don’t know how to pursue it without getting him upset. I really want him to go and figure this out. And now whenever we start to kind of fool around… he kinda sighs and has told me that the idea he has to perform “gets in his head” and then he just doesn’t.
We’re both young, 29 years old. I just have never been with a guy who was like this… most times I have been the one saying… enough! Is this normal for a 29 year old guy?
Also he just got diagnosed with a fatty liver and he is totally inactive. As in he needs to go to the gym and doesn’t, but will go out with friends and do stuff around the house. I’m being very candid here… which is kind of scary, but I really don’t know what to do.
I can’t speak with any friends because I don’t want them to know that much about my personal sex life… I’m really a private person when it comes to this. But I don’t know what else to do… Thanks for any of your advice and/or support in advance.
–“Rebeka”
Dear Rebeka,
First of all, thank you so so much for your support of Soapbox Therapy! I’m so appreciative of your loyalty and readership. Even more so, I’m insanely proud of you for opening up, and am beyond thrilled that you feel safe writing in.
Though I’m not a sex therapist, since my recent column, the thing about relationships that are all about sex, I’ve been getting a ton of questions on the topic. Am I having too much sex, am I having too little, what’s wrong with me what’s wrong with him and her and us…for example. So, I’m choosing your question to respond to darlin, as the representative for some major food for thought and much needed light on such an important issue.
So, here we go…
Your particular question is jam packed with vital details, including your boyfriend’s psychological and physical wellbeing. But before you can wrap your beautiful emotional brain around the issues you described, I want to ask you to take an imperative first step: peel away the should, shed the supposed to, liberate yourself from judgment and begin to consider, embrace, and get to know your sexual appetite. Yes, really.
Judging and comparing and asking sexual appetite questions like am I normal and is this OK and enough and and and, is taking you away from the real and underlying issues. In order to give yourself and your relationship a fair shot at getting to the deeper stuff, consider this:
The thing about sexual appetite is that it’s no different than any other appetite. Think about the different foods, tastes, flavors, and quantity you eat. Is your appetite unique? Very. Judging your sexual appetite is like saying, “Wow, there must be something wrong with me. My propensity towards spicy food is really becoming an issue”. Should I want it more, should I want it less. Should my partner want it more or less or somewhere in between? Ugh, emotionally exhausting.
Everyone’s sexual appetite is unique, and comes from somewhere. Maybe someone, for example, had a horrible or amazing experience with sushi…so they never want it again, or they want it all the time. A taste for spicy, a sweet tooth, a big appetite, a not so big appetite, salty, savory, and hey, some people at certain times would just rather eat alone. Just sayin’. Get it? Sexual appetite=Different for everyone, for different reasons. Judgment= unnecessary. Books/articles telling you what and who and where and how much sex you’re supposed to have= don’t read them…ever.
Ok, moving on…
The good news is that you and your boyfriend seem to, when in a healthy state of mind, have similar sexual appetites, which is amazing and beautiful. The other news is that it seems his appetite has shifted significantly, which is a likely indicator that something deeper is going on.
Our appetites in general are directly impacted by our emotional state of mind. When you notice a friend just stops feeling hungry or is uncomfortable and overwhelmed by the thought of eating…a red flag is raised. This is similar. Sexual appetite often shifts when something is shifting inside of us.
From the explanation you gave of your boyfriend around this topic (thinking sex is messy, self sabotaging his physical health, performance anxiety) I’m led to believe he’s experiencing some inner emotional distress. (I’m not disregarding what might be going on physically, but I’m not a Doctor) Not knowing him or hearing from him directly, I have no place to diagnose anything…or even analyze him for that matter, any more than I already have. What I can do though, is support you…
My suggestion gorgeous: Take what you now know about sexual appetite, peel away the judgment and get grounded–then talk with your boyfriend. Let him know sex is not your focus right now, he is. His health is.
Consider and express your intentions in talking with him, be clear about your goals of the conversation. Tell him you’re worried about him, let him know how you feel as his girlfriend and how his health is affecting you, ask how you can be a support, use “I” statements, and give examples (his liver diagnosis and lack of proactive response).
Offer ideas and come up with a plan together for what’s next. You’re entering into the next stage of your relationship (living together) so it’s time for both of you to take on the responsibility of being an active participant in the relationship…a true partner. Be honest, authentic, and allow yourself to be vulnerable-doing this will give him the permission to do the same.
And follow up…this isn’t going to be one conversation, and it’s not about figuring out what’s wrong with him. It’s about inviting him to join you in signing up for your relationship on a new level…to support all three parts–the you, the him, and the “us”—to become strong and healthy.
Major tip: focusing the conversation on not having sex will undoubtedly stress him out. He may not be in a place where he understands the shift in his sexual appetite to be a symptom of other things. He may feel embarrassed, shameful, or judged, even though that’s not your intention. He may get defensive (when shame is confronted, defensiveness often follows). So…be kind and supportive, and don’t make sex the central focus.
My love, the whole point is…no matter how sweet or spicy things are in the bedroom, if you make this all about the quantity of sex you’re having in your relationship, you may just miss the mark…
Love,
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